What if I can't do this by myself?

What if it takes more than a simple prayer?

I wonder if I could reach for the stars

without knowing who's in control

Is it the letting go that hinders me

Or the fear that it will fall apart?

I wrote that a long time ago but never published it.

What I Think it Means to Have a Friend

“We cannot tell the exact moment a friendship is formed; as in filling a vessel drop by drop, there is at last a drop which makes it run over; so in a series of kindnesses, there is at last one that makes the heart run over.”

I was standing in the fitting room of Old Navy, staring at the wall and twirling the key around my finger because that was the most fun thing about my job. You have to walk past the fitting room to get to the bathroom, and upon leaving the bathroom, someone stopped and talked to me. He had a name tag on and was so tiny I thought he was a new employee, so I started talking about how much I don’t like my job and I only work 4 hours a week and I just kept complaining. He started saying things like “Well you should do the best you can while you are here” and “Why don’t you do x,y,z this way?” and I realized this wasn’t a new employee. He was making me answer these questions and I got really nervous because I was slowly realizing this was my new manager and I had not made such a great first impression! Maybe if he introduced himself I wouldn’t have made myself look so foolish, but I would later learn that sometimes he’s an airhead and just didn’t think to say that he was the new cat in town... (or was it his plan all along?)

For the first year I knew him, I didn’t like working with him at all. He was very critical and always on our backs about everything. Of course he wasn’t like that all the time, but people only noticed the super strict side of him. I’m sure I said some not-so-nice things about him behind his back, as did other coworkers. This was my first job and I had a lot of growing up to do.

Something happened one day after about a year working together. We were working together and I noticed something different about him. He seemed a little down. He wasn’t his normal self. He’s the kind of person who wears every emotion on his sleeve, and I’m very sensitive to other people’s emotions. I don’t think many other people noticed he was acting different, but I definitely did. I went into the office one day to get something and his head was down on the desk... I don’t know if he was crying or just really sad or exhausted. He left work for a week and came back, still different. He wasn’t being super strict and correcting every minuscule thing I did. I started talking to him a little more, at work and a little on facebook. I started to root this compassion for him because I wanted him to feel better. As strict of a boss he was, he was a human being and for the first time I was seeing a vulnerable side of him and I wanted to get to know that side better.

He reminded me of myself pre-Jesus... and after as well (i’m not perfect, obviously, therefore I still struggle with these things.) Insecure, sad and can’t explain why, isolating... things of that nature. My compassion kept growing.  I run to God when I start feeling that way and it’s like the ultimate medicine. I wanted/want to get to know more of what that’s all about because I can relate so much, and I want him to know how REAL God is, and to know he has someone to give all that pain to instead of trying to crush it on his own.

Every once in awhile on a slow night we would have conversations and he seemed happier. He relaxed a little with his strictness and over time he was more fun to be around. It got to the point where I enjoyed working with him over any other manager. There were countless times that he made me laugh so hard I was crying! He was still my boss, and he still had to have talks with me if I wasn’t doing the best job...but it was an encouragement instead of a scolding, a two-sided conversation as opposed to a one-sided conversation. Things were different, in a good way, and I started loving my crappy part time job. I realize now that as much as I wanted to be the one to help him, give him advice, and make him see things differently... he was actually doing more good for me than I was for him. But that’s another topic altogether.

A lot of the other associates still talked badly about him for awhile, but I started defending him and telling them they just need to get to know him better because he’s not this mean person they think he is. I don’t know why he was ever that way, and I still don’t know what happened that made him so sad for that period of time, but he somehow became the most fun, smiley, happiest little dude I’ve ever met. Over the next couple of years, he still had moments, and it was in those moments we grew closer. It took awhile for everyone else to come around, but once they did, I think it boosted his self esteem to know that everyone respected and liked him. I looked forward to every shift we had together. Some of my coworkers became friends, and we became our little Old Navy family.

Our store was getting ready to move to the mall, and I remember helping him move fixtures and getting things packed up, and he told me he might be getting deployed (yes he’s in the Navy and works at Old Navy) within the year. I was shocked to hear this, because I had a connection with him by this point and I didn’t know if I would want to stay without him. I let it go for awhile, until the day he told me he was actually leaving for a YEAR. We spent the next few months talking about the big move and him leaving and who was going to replace him. We (as a store) took the time we had together and made the best memories we could. Those last few months were really special. I started to feel like we were actually friends, not just coworkers. We had so many moments where we would laugh, and his laugh is so contagious that it makes a simple joke absolutely hilarious.

March came faster than any of us had imagined. I scrambled to make his sendoff as good as possible...but there is really nothing I could have done to thank him for how much I’ve grown as a person and as a lovely old navy employee because of him. I didn’t realize until after he left what an amazing manager and friend he is. He’s one of those people that once they’ve touched your life, they don’t really go away. He probably doesn’t even remotely feel half the things I do, but that’s because he’s is loved by so many, and I’ve got plenty of room in my life for a new friend. When he left I wanted to stay in touch with him because now that he wasn’t my boss we could actually be real friends...talk on the phone, text, facebook, you know. I’ve loved getting to talk to him so much while he is in Africa, but it’s obviously different talking on the phone and on facebook. I don’t know what will come of our friendship when he comes home... but I believe that he knows how deeply he is cared for and he can do whatever he wants with that information.

Sometimes I’ll bring him up in conversation with another friend, and they’ll look at me strange like I’m in a relationship or something... and it’s really hard to explain. I obviously don’t have those types of feelings, though whoever he ends up with is going to be insanely blessed. I have grown to just genuinely care about him and love him for all that he is...his faults, his laugh and that look he gives when he’s really excited. It’s pure and just makes me smile...and who doesn’t want to be around someone that makes them smile?
:) :) :)


"In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit."

Welcoming a Hero

Today was an especially new day, in that I was able to take part in the welcoming home of a hero, a member of the national guard, and my closest childhood friend from a year of deployment in Afghanistan. I'm writing about it here because I'm just a little perplexed about the whole situation. I'm just going to diffuse my thoughts no matter how unorganized it seemse to evolve.

We used to be best friends when we were young, him and I, our moms were friends and we lived right next to each other, so naturally we hung out all the time. We played house and took care of wild birds and went swimming and saw fireworks...we did everything together. Those were the good ol' days.

Then the day came when he had to move, and ever since that day we slowly but surely started seeing each other less and less, until eventually it stopped altogether. I forgot about him and moved on with my pathetic life, all without knowing he was a budding football star at his high school, while I was barely getting the courage to show up to class.

Awhile after graduation I friended him on the ever popular Facebook, the "connector of all lost friendships" these days, and found out he was overseas! I was so happy for him that he chose to do something so honorable, and I prayed for him a lot that he would be safe and secure wherever he was. Thankfully he's home safe at this very moment.

It's something I think I'll regret--losing touch with him--because I wonder if my high school experience would've been any different. Having someone like him who was having a good time in high school, happy, and motivated might have had things pan out a lot differently for me during that time. I also know, however, that if I wasn't so...what I was in high school, I may have never met God at the full capacity that I did. So for that reason, I'm not in full regret.


I hope throughout time we'll find our way back to a good, solid friendship...'cause let's be honest, who doesn't want to be "besties" with a soldier??

I'm Just Numb.

I'm finding it very difficult, for the first time in my life, to articulate how I'm feeling at the moment. I know there's something inside, but if I try... I guess... I'm left feeling alone, not understood, and unloved. The opposite of those feelings is all the fuel I need for a happiness to exist in my heart, so without them I'm just a blob of a longface. Forever staring into nothing, no thoughts, just an air of discontent. That's the state of my mind as I reflect on where I am, where I've been, and what the future looks like in my head. Nothing's going right. Jesus seems like the only one I can turn to (not that he isn't more than sufficient.) I just have to learn to accept that for now, I have literally have no other option than God, yet I still find myself resisting giving in.

Today I considered for the first time getting depression pills. That's when I realized I slipped back into a little of the old me. I don't want to live as that girl anymore...I thought I cut my ties with her four years ago...but every now and then she creeps back up. The girl that's too lazy to open her mouth and speak to God...to literally cry to Him...to beg for His wisdom & love. The girl that can't find the strength to be positive because there are too many bad things happening all at once... the girl that just wants to curl up and numb everything... she has to go.
I need to change. I know I can't see the future right now, but I HAVE to let go and let God take the reigns. I just wish I could stop feeling like crap all the time. I can't bear this weight much longer.
I feel like I'm battling demons that are huge and have names. I know God can get them off my back...if I let Him.

Category 4

I just want to escape reality altogether. Who am I to say I have the right to live in a nice house with food and a shower? I'm disgusted that I think I'm so entitled. Here I am, wasting the last week of my life in the most depressed state I've ever been in because I got kicked out of my house...yet I'm still under a roof. I'm still warm, full, and clean. I think if I spent three days on Batey 50 I would never complain again about how good I have it. It's just hard to comprehend how blessed I am when the blessings are clouded by my negative thinking.

I'm also still confused about a lot of things. Do I have the right to be upset? I think I do, considering my own mother doesn't want me anymore (and not because I did drugs in the house, had sex and got pregnant, but because we have severe miscommunication.) I am in school full time, and really scared and struggling in one of my classes. I am convinced that if I don't get a huge dose of motivation and lots of extra help, I will fail. I know the bible says that I won't add one more minute to my life by worrying, but worrying is overcoming me.

My hurricane is now a category 4.

I don't know what to do with the hand I've been dealt, but I will trust God that I will find the answer before I'm really out on the street. I just want my room back, I want my house back, I want my dog and my things and my shower and the home that I've known for 20 years. I know life isn't fair, but I just want to go home. I want a home.

Ow.

It's almost 12:30 in the morning on the day of the worst national tragedy ever recorded. The events of September 11th, 2001 forever shattered a little piece of me, and I think the country as a whole. One event happened that changed the course of history forever. I remember how terrified and unsafe I felt...how insecure and hopeless the situation looked. But most of all I was confused. Why is this happening? Why did things have to go down this way? Why so many lives taken and affected?

I hate to make the comparison of this terribly tragic day to my own life, but the two days bear many commonalities. Yesterday was the day I was kicked out of my house that's been my home for 20 years. It's the only home I've ever known, and even though I didn't get along with the people that lived there, i.e. my own flesh and blood, I was comfortable there. I could do my own thing and stay out of everyone's way and just do me. My world crashed down like fiery planes when an eruption of arguing ensued on my mother's behalf.

I had literally just gotten home from a long day at school and was looking to have a meal and relax for an hour until work. My mother came out of her dungeon and started asking about car insurance money. I told her I was giving her double the money this week to make up for not paying her last week because I had other financial obligations and I would've only been able to give her $15 which was pointless. I personally don't see the problem with that, seeing that I'm her daughter who hopes that she contains some level of compassion. Clearly I was wrong because she began raising her voice like she does every time we attempt to have a conversation, and this time I wasn't standing back and taking it from her. I asked her why it was such a big deal if I paid her the money for this week and last week in five hours instead of right now. She continued her rant and continued talking over me, and it is one of the biggest pet peeves of mine when someone yells over what I'm trying to get across. It became heated at this point and the last thing I remember was her pulling my hair, ripping my shirt, and grabbing me to try to forcibly extract me from the house.
The most important thing I can say is that I've never felt so sick and depressed and alone in my entire life. I knooowww people care about me, but I don't have the capacity right to now to feel that that's true. I don't have anyone that would "do absolutely anything" for me. Now was a time I needed that, and while I appreciate that I got a place to stay, I just feel so uncared for. I don't know that I can say I have anyone. That's the saddest part. I haven't been able to stop crying for days, but for now I'm just going to escape reality and sleep the heartache away.

Is There One Person I can Call Friend?

Anger has always been a source of intense conflict within myself. There have been many times in the past that it was unwarranted, unnecessary, and blown out of proportion. But today, I find it driving me to question my place in the world, the friends that I have, and the decisions that I'm making. I find myself getting angry less at my family, and more at my church family. That doesn't register or make sense to me, so I need to let it out.

Hello Hurricane.

For months now, I have had far too many instances where something my "friends" said to me deeply hurt my feelings. It occurs on a common basis now, and I'm starting to have crushing doubts about everything. At one point my church, and my friends, where my world.

It's almost a natural instinct of mine to sum up as often as I can what a person is feeling at any given point. So instinctually when it comes to friends, I like to make sure they are emotionally stable. This makes me extra sensitive to their responses when we're having a conversation. So while a friend of mine can have a discussion on the same topic with one of our mutual friends and myself, it's almost guaranteed that I will respond with the same emotion they present me with. So if they say something out of a spirit of anger, I'll respond with twice the anger. If it's love, I'll love them right back.

Today, as is clear from the title, is an angry day.

I've been dealing with the major stress of not knowing why my friends are so rude and uncaring toward me, it's only a matter of time before I snap and do something I'll regret. Sometimes I wonder why I still hang around. I feel so unloved and it hurts worse than any other emotion I've experienced. The worst part is, I have no idea what I could have possibly done to deserve that level of heartbreak.

I know I have a tendency to be a debbie downer at times, but if anyone knows me (which clearly they don't,) the remedy is to let me get out and express whatever's bothering me. I don't purposely act depressed.

I wish there was something I could do to improve the situation, but I am so unsure of why I'm in the place I am now, it's hard to come up with a viable solution. Do I not "fit in" to this crowd? Am I not funny enough? Do I have the wrong agenda? I can't comprehend what I did to go from being best friends with this group of people to someone they're all in some way or another trying to get rid of. I don't get invited to the movies. I don't get random texts saying "Hi, I miss you" and that crazy glue bond we all shared is now broken. The fact that I almost daily get disrespected, not included, ignored and abandoned is driving me straight to a breaking point. It brings me to tears to think that I could lose all of these beautiful people for reasons I could never verbalize. Knowing they'll never read this, here are questions I want to know:

-Why do you speak to me so rudely and disrespectfully?

-Why am I never on your radar and have to find out by unorthodox ways that you all hung out at a certain time without me?

-Do you think about what you say to me before you say it or do you have no regard for my feelings?

-Can you please, please be honest with me?

I would rather go into a machine, travel back in time, and make sure I never met you than to go the rest of my life thinking and believing that you so strongly disliked me. I'm not just feeling this way because I'm paranoid, it's because those are the messages you've been sending me for way too long. I've had enough. I don't want to do this anymore.

Is there one person I can call friend?