Work and God

As the next hurricane hurls toward New England, I got to thinking about the first blog post I'd ever written, where I made many references to the storm in my head. For now it's a partly cloudy day up there, and that's a far improvement from where I was those months ago.

When I'm at work I have a lot of time to be alone and think while I'm folding clothes. Many different thoughts have been swirling around, and I think it's time to dispel some of them.

One thing is work itself. I think about work while I'm at work, Wednesday mornings when the direct deposit comes through, and Fridays when the schedules come out. Tonight I opened that schedule and immediately got me upset. My hours are not good, though they've been great all summer. I need to make a certain amount every week, and if I don't, I don't eat, I can't pay the car insurance or fill the tank.

Some people by now would have found another job and kissed this place goodbye a long time ago...but I haven't yet. I don't think my employers realize how much I like working and that I feel slightly underappreciated when I get the hours that I got this week. I believe that I perform and try harder than most of the other associates, and pathetic as it may seem, I do care about the company and I want to see it grow and know that I was a part of that.

There are basic tasks that all associates are assigned to, but sometimes I get to do different things like visuals or moves or special projects. When I can get more involved in things that the managers trust me to do, I feel like I must be doing something right, they think I'm a good employee, and that can only mean good things for me. I've been working here almost two years and I have heard other people getting "reviewed" and getting raises. No one has ever pulled me aside and asked me anything about how I liked my job, how they thought I was doing, nothing. And they'd be surprised to see that I have a lot to say.

Because I appreciate this job I don't want to look for another one. I want to stay here as long as I need to... I just wish someone would give me the time of day to have a dialogue with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other set of thoughts in my head rests on God. I've been thinking about how I've been aware of Him all summer, I've prayed (not every night, but occasionally) and I've talked about Him whenever it came up in discussion. But I have been acting so lukewarm and that kind of disgusts me.

It's true what some people say that when we take a break from school we take a break from God. I've gone to church every Sunday like usual, but after the high of being in the Dominican Republic, I sunk into a contentment that left me not feeling the burn anymore.

Just recently as I was thinking about an upcoming youth group event, I reflected on the worship and the closeness I feel with God...at times when I'm there, it's so intense I can't help but close my eyes and just thank God for inventing such an amazing feeling...love.

I've been considering not going to this event because it's geared more towards high school kids, and the messages are in one way or another the same every year, and as is obvious from my previous grumblings about work, I could use the money for other purposes. At one point it was a no-brainer: I'll skip this one. Yet as I reflect on the way that place makes me feel, I think I might need another wake up call as my spiritual discipline has been sleeping this summer.
I hope to follow up the next few posts with nothing but how much I love Jesus and the world should too, because that's why I'm here, and it's ultimately the only thing I care about most.

<3

The Most Unorganized, Messy, Incorrect Piece of Writing I've Ever Produced.

I remember all those years when we were kids and teenagers, we would talk about how we would be Aunts to our kids and when we were old ladies we would still be best friends. I remember our first playdate when we giggled all through Barbie's "wedding" and the tea parties in your basement...the summer pool parties and the trillion sleepovers when we'd stay up all night long.

I remember most...

The time we stayed up until 5am just so we could watch the news to see Scot Haney and how funny he was...and we didn't end up sleeping until 9 that night!

When we stayed out late and layed out blankets to watch a meteor shower..and ended up in one of many deep conversations about God before we ever took Him seriously.

Before the days of texting, we would call each other almost everyday and talk about boys or parents or school for hours. I miss that.

The times when we were first getting to know each other and I taught you that it was okay to swear if you were mad...what a bad influence!

The recitals I came to to watch you dance with the same perfect poise you carried with you home. The way you held up a persona around your parents to appease them, and the day you tore down the wall and started showing your true self. That was a day I was SO proud of you.

The pudding incident, a.k.a our first fight...the mud pies on the side of the house...that McDonald's playset I had (so cool!)

The times I peed myself because you wouldn't stop making me laugh! Even recently!

That time we thought my mom was on something when we were eating those fudgicles...yeah you know the time.

The trip to Hampton Beach. We sat at the shore at night and concluded it was possibly the most beautiful vision.

The countless times we'd sit in my room and just talk about life...usually with tears in our eyes.

Our scarily obsessive Green Day phase...the time where things started to take a turn for the worse. We both started getting depressed, we fed off of eachother's sadness about the state of our lives...but Green Day music helped us see we weren't alone. I had been writing songs for awhile now..and you had started committing your thoughts to paper too. I loved that we shared that.

Sophomore year- the worst year of my life for reasons you know very well about. You were there through it all. We'd both realized that we were getting to the point where it was getting hard to live the way we were, and tried different things and considered others to deal with it all. You were there through every single tear and sob, and I was there for you just the same. We listened to each other so intently and had such amazing conversations to help cope with life... I don't know what I would've done without you. I don't want to know, either.

Summer entering Junior year- your parents shipped you off to Florida and you came back "saved" but only for a short while. You convinced me to come to a baptist church with you. We had another one of our famous conversations...and despite everything, I went with you.

Feeling awkard not knowing anyone but so glad we at least had each other.

ATF- the happiest and saddest cry I've ever felt... kneeling before God... next to you.

Starting our post-high school lives at Middlesex...and that Freshman Seminar class!! PABLO!!

When you got your license and we drove around everywhere and blew all our money!

We have been through so much together that outsiders must look at us and wonder how we haven't killed each other let alone still be holding on by a thread! I wonder too, sometimes.

After all that, things started going sour. Small things here and there started building up, we were both growing into two polar opposite people...which threw me for a loop because we were so close and so perfectly alike for so long...and it made me feel almost every emotion possible.

Since the few fights we've had the most horrific emotions that have stuck with me are loneliness, betrayl, anger, frustration, and confusion. Ever since that incident at our graduation party, I don't think either of us has ever been the same. It ruined everything. The times I felt left out of the group, finding out that you hung out with friends that all things considered I should've been hanging out with too...and how bad that hurt...those things aren't going to go away. I hate the place we are now. I hate hate hate it.

I wish there was something I could do to change it, but that's the problem: change. I can only change myself, I can't change you. And lately, I don't like who you are at all. This girl that never wants to hang out, this girl that is rude and disrespectful and hurtful and irresponsible. I've felt the deepest levels of betrayl because of you and obvious others.

That is why I changed into a sheltered, boxed up version of me that doesn't want to let anyone in anymore. Every time I hear that I wasn't included in another thing that I should've been included in, it feels like a stab to the heart. There's only so much I can take, but looking at all of the memories I just listed...I can't, and I don't want to lose the only friend who's been there with me through absolutely everything. I've come to realize that maybe you've lost that girl that I grew up a little bit, and I have lost a little bit of myself compared to the girl in those memories...and I'm truly sorry for that.

I hope we can get back to that, and leave all this crap behind. I don't want to lose my best friend forever...but I'm scared that I will, and sooner than I'd like.

I love you.

Road Block

While I haven't posted anything in a while, I have been writing. Sometime I just get in a rut and I lose interest in really tackling an issue and seeing it to the end...until there are no more thoughts left. I am very much looking forward to going back to school because I know there it will be forced for me to keep writing, so I'm sure to get my groove back and hopefully adding many more stories to my blog. I suppose you could say that "mess" in my head is leveled to a dull roar.
Perhaps it's those dog days of summer that are leaving me without much to worry about, or I just enjoy not doing anything some days other than getting zapped into the TV, cleaning, or hanging out with friends. Either way, I'm sure I'll be back at it after school begins. Right now my biggest worries are getting health forms situated and getting my textbooks. Once those things are resolved (which I'd better hurry because school starts in one week) then I'll start to feel at peace. Of course the anxiety won't cease for long. As soon as I get my syllabi and first day assignments, it will be a whole new level of anxiety. What college student isn't anxious? I just have to trust that everything is going to work out, that this is my life for the next 3ish years, and that I should love every minute of it. The thing I'm most excited about? My journalism and English classes. The thing I'm least excited about? Math. I'm pretty sure this is the last year that I have to take it and then I'll be done with math forever!! I will be getting much tutoring on that, as since I started school I've always been awful at math. Anyone who enjoys math is a little nutty in my book, but feel free to help me out!
I'm also excited about the whole university experience. I want to see and experience it all. If my classes aren't too difficult, I'm hoping to join the Christian group there and hopefully make a few friends there.
My only other worry is the lack of sleep. I have a very early class on Thursday morning, and I really hope I can stick it out this semester and say that I've learned my lesson in scheduling late in the registration time frame. I will be registering at 12:01am on the day of next year's registration!
Will be back soon with more updates from the typical new england college girl! Let's just hope it's anything but typical.

Heaven on Earth

This trip marks the fourth time I've entered the gates of what I like to call Heaven on Earth. Those who've embarked on this journey before can attest to this title. It's hard to summarize a week like this into a paragraph or two, so I'll pick just one experience, and please know that you'd have to come on the trip to think that what I'm about to share is anything like Heaven.

I am on Team B (a construction team) and this year's project was building lattrines for the residents of Batey 50. It was my first time working here, and I've heard many things about how it's the poorest of all the bateyes in the country, but it didn't hit me that that may be true until I made the walk from the front of the beautiful church back through to the worksite. Every step I took further into the batey was a step that began to change me (God likes to do that to me a lot). The fact that we were helping to build lattrines means these people don't have a place to go to the bathroom other than...wherever they can. There are also a lot of animals there that also need to take care of business, so basically there was an unmistakably overwhelming odor in the air over the humidity of the Dominican heat. The amount of garbage and debris floating around was also quite shocking. And the homes the people lived in? Nothing more than rusted tin sheets-- some with holes in them--and if the family was blessed, a cement floor.

As I was working I started to feel very uncomfortable and caught off guard. A small part of me wanted to get out of there. I was saying to myself "how could I have been brought here?" It almost reduced me to tears to realize that this was life for these people. I looked over and saw a group of men playing a table game and another man inside his house peering out to see the work we were doing. An older man was standing beside our cement mixer laughing as I joked around with my good friend. A woman, Maria, stopped by and asked about who we were, the place we came from, and spoke to me in a way that instantly bonded us. I played with the kids now and then, and as they melted my heart with their smiles and laughter so did my first impressions of Batey 50 begin to evaporate. I forgot that I was in the poorest place I've ever been in in my life, and quickly realized that my sole purpose for the week was to use all my power for their good.
The heart and soul of Batey 50 lies within the hearts and souls of those who inhabit it.
They made me feel comfortable again. They dissipated all thoughts of discomfort and insecurity. I wouldn't have traded that for anything the world could offer. This was home for the next week. Now that I've been back for a while, it still feels like home, and though the trash and the smell and the poverty still exists, these people are richer than I in faith.

"Listen, beloved brethren: Has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promise to those who love Him?" (James 2:5)

I thought early in the week how in America, we are so quick to blame circumstance or God for our misfortunes. If the smallest thing goes wrong we tend to have a "woe is me" attitude...and in some parts of the U.S. people respond to those feelings with violence. I thought how easy it could be for the poor to do exactly the same and turn to violence or ungodly means of getting their needs met. But the community in 50 were far happier than any group of people I've ever worked with in the D.R. The kids were so well behaved and just wanted to help, and the families were so well connected and had a remarkable faith, just like James said. That little three minute conversation in my head made me realize that the meek really do inherit the earth...that the poor really are rich...that God is so much bigger than we can imagine.

God pushed me far out of my "comfort zone" and pushed me to the edge. He had a greater good in mind looking back. If you ever feel like God has put you somewhere where you feel a little unsure and insecure, just remember that he does everything for our good...and through His eyes I was able to see Heaven on Earth.


"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good, blessed is the man who
trusts in Him!" (Psalm 34:8)

Phobias

By this time in my life I've heard over thousands of different phobias. Some people are afraid of spiders, some snakes, others...cookies? Yes, it's true, there's a scientifically named phobia for just about anything that makes a person freak. A phobia can be defined as an intense, irrational fear of an object or situation (yes I did pay attention in psychology!) Only until recently did I realize I fall victim to one specific phobia- Apiphobia (yes, I googled it just now.) It's a seriously ridiculous fear of bees.
I have never understood why people have certian phobias. I've seen many tv shows that display erratic, nonsensical freak outs from guests who get exposed to the thing that makes them so afraid. I always thought it was silly for them to react that way, or that they were just putting on a show for the camera.
As I research phobias more I'm realizing that most phobias are not a joke, I certainly know my fear of bees is no joke. I'm sitting at my laptop now trying to distract myself from the little creature sleazin' around my ceiling. Yes, I am up at 1am when I need to be sleeping because I will not let myself sleep in the same room as this horrible wasp. Even seeing the words makes me cringe. Every five to ten seconds I need to look behind me where I saw it last to see if it returned. I have a spindle from my porch and a bottle of bleach ready to attack. Every little sensation I feel on my skin has me shuttering in fear, every piece of fiber under my foot sets my heart racing thinking it's the terror. I truly hate feeling like this over a stupid bee, but I suppose the most logical reasoning I have is that I think it's wrong that I am terrified to be in my own room, MY room. I'm very territorial about my space and believe that when I want to be alone, I REALLY want to be completely alone. Knowing there's something in the room that could hurt me during sleep just scares the living daylights out of me. I don't know how I'm going to cope with this every summer for the rest of my life...I'm just praying that along with the house repairs a new window can be installed in my room, because I've truly had more than enough of being terrified.

I truly empathize with anyone who has a phobia. I know it isn't a joke, and I'm starting to think I need to take care of the problem more theraputically.

Summer Blahs

So here it is. June 20th, 2010. It's day two of my "summer blah" which means the symptoms are irratibility, slight headache, and intense lack of patience. Yes, summer blah is a valid disease, in my world, and these days it seems as though I'm the only victim.

Most people look forward to summer all year long...they trudge through school work and business and extra calories along with everything else the winter months offer, so that by June they're free to enjoy the laziness and excitement of summer! While I'll admit I do get very excited about summer, a huge part of me dreads it. All my life I've never once had a summer where most of the days were filled with exciting things and fun adventures. I can't remember ever going on a real vacation with the family, and that will never happen, nor can I remember going back to school and being able to say I had an eventful summer.

Now I know I may be getting a little overdramatic, but this is just how I feel. It's two-ish months of sitting around my house watching the clock change numbers. It's watching so many movies in one day I forget what plots belonged to which movie (which is a problem!) These days especially I have acquired an almost nonexistant tolerance of boredom. If I have to stay locked up in the house for more than two days without doing anything, I can get the most extreme levels of the symptoms mentioned above. It's the closest thing to pure torture I've ever experienced.
I know some may look at this and laugh at how dramatic I'm being, but honestly who wouldn't go crazy being locked up by themselves with nothing fun or exciting to do...for consecutive summers in a row? And NO, doing dishes or washing the floor are not good examples of things to do because I already do those all the time and they are worse than being stagnant in my chair in my room.

I'm just praying a lot that God opens up opportunities for me to have a productive and fun summer this time around. I don't want it to be like all the others... this is a time for hitting the beach, hanging with friends every day, going to amusement parks and creating beautiful memories with the ones whom we are closest to. I really don't want to miss any of that this summer. So I hope my close friends can help me get rid of that nasty "Summer Blah" disease!

:)

The "Love" Cycle

As I was walking to my doom...err my math final today, the most random, but sort of life-changing thoughts came to mind. In order to experience the fullness of God, there are three (if not more, I do have a small mind) things that have to cohere.

1. Praise & Worship
2. Bible Study
3. Prayer

Praise and Worship is the intimate time a child spends with his/her Heavenly Father!

Praise is giving God the credit for all the blessings in your life, the health, the friends, and the family. Praise is also thanking God for life's trials because, according to James, trials produce endurance, and make us stronger. Amen!

Worship is the outpouring of our praise and the overflowing of our hearts to our King. It's lifting your hands to the Heavens and singing your love and living the lyrics. It's also, as I discussed earlier, our actions, attitudes, and demeanors. It's our decision to be loving to a relative instead of arguing. It's handing money to a stranger, and trusting that God will add blessing to it.
Putting these two together equals probably the greatest joy in my life! I thank God for the ability to praise Him and bow before Him. Music is one of my deepest passions in life, and it's the ultimate way to express my love and affection for all He's done for me.



I am one of those people you see at concerts geeking out to the music and getting completely lost in it. It's like I temporarily leave Earth and just reside in the presence of my Heavenly Daddy. If there's anything I like about myself it's that I'm not afraid to physically and outwardly shout and dance for God! I sound like a total freak, but it doesn't bother me :)



The next step in seeing the amazingness of Jesus is bible study. Reading God's word is essential because everything that we as Christians believe in can be found there. Everything we stand for, everything we hope for, and every piece of evidence to prove God's faithfulness is there in black & white (depending on your bible ;] ). I know that every time I crack open my dusty old bible, I find new inspiration and meaning and joy and understanding and wisdom...there's no other book out there that changes my life every time I read it.
This is a very important facet of my relationship with God because worship and bible study go hand in hand. Many many many songs out there (the best ones at least) quote scripture at least once if not the entire song. How much more meaning and praise can we offer when we know the true meaning of the song? It lifts the words off the pages and becomes a God-breathed piece of offering by those who sing and believe the words.

The last part that I've come to realize is extremely important in reaching God's fullness is prayer! How exciting to know that any time, any day, and any place we can speak one on one to the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE?!?!! Not only is He the Creator, he is our loving Heavenly Father who loves us so much He gave his only son to die so we could be with Him forever in Heaven! We should be thrilled about praying to God every night (or whenever you like to pray) and thank Him for how smart, wise, and loving He is to provide us this way of communicating to Him our praises, concerns, and confessions!

There are some nights when I get into such a deep prayer that I forget where I am and my earthy life, and just rest in God and talk to him. It's like catching up with an old friend sort of, but this is so much better. I sometimes get reduced to tears of joy and thanksgiving. If I didn't know His word and I had the inability to praise and worship him in the midst of my prayertime, I'm afraid my prayers would be void of emotion. That is why it is so important to keep all three of these distinctions in mind at all times while living your life.

God is so good. He is worthy of all of the praise, wisdom, and prayers we can offer Him. If we can remember the "love cycle" (corny, but now you'll remember) our relationships with God will be fruitful and awesome!!

God Bless <3 <3