Great title right? It's the culmination of how I feel when I'm idle. BLAH. I find myself trapped in my own boredom sometimes, and I'm not good at finding things to do other than clean (and you know I've had some down time if the house is sparkling). My hatred of idle time began when I made a poor decision to take a semester off from school. All my friends were moving on with their lives while I sat around my house watching tv. I had waaaay too much time to think and worry. For the first few weeks I was enjoying having absolutely no responsibilites, but after a while I started realizing that I need to start moving forward with my life. The main reason I took a semester off was to hopefully use that time to find a nice job, get my license and start saving. Only in a perfect world would that happen. I unfortunately needed to depend on my parents for some help with the driving, but they didn't really seem to care about it (though my mom ALWAYS complained about driving me anywhere). And I don't even know what excuse to give them, so I'll just leave at the time that was to be used for those purposes ended up in me walking around in circles in my kitchen. The only thing I could do in my house to feel productive was to clean. Every time I would be itching to do something, I would clean. Even sitting here typing this I feel idle. I just hate feeling idle, that's the bottom line and the point of my story. I am cemented here in this house, immobile, alone, and it's enough to make a person go absolutely nuts. Now it's clear to those who know me how much I look forward to Sundays, because I can count on having something to do then.
The paradox of my situation is this: I was SO excited to start school so I could start excercising my brain again, because trust me it felt like jello for five months. My first semester was great, I believe I worked to the best of my ability, besides algebra. Then summer came and I had an alright summer, typical. Went to the DR, hung around. Then next semester began and for some reason I HATED it. I hated doing the work and loathed the time I had to put in studying. I kept asking myself "why can't I do this simple thing for this simple class, I know it's not difficult, I'm just being lazy." Toward the end of the semester I realized it was because I had been struggling for years to find a direction in life. I had been begging God for answers and I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere with Him. It's on my prayerlist every night since at least 2007 (i keep a notebook) and it's something I'm still fighting through. I feel like I'm crawling in complete blackness... If I thought I was paranoid about the future before, I know it was only the beginning because here I am in my third semester of college (which is supposed to be my fourth) and I know there's nothing left for me at the college I'm in. There aren't any other classes besides algebra that would be of any use to me. I'm done. I'm at the end of this road and I have no clue where to go or what to do next. My mind is always in "what's next" mode and I can't just live in the moment because I always need to know there's a path under me before I put my left foot in front of the right. The sad thing is I know the answer to all of this is to have faith that God will direct my path, but I'm struggling very much with 100% believing it. I do trust God, but maybe not enough, and that truth kills me.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
On Haiti...
Last night was a great prayertime for Haiti. It is my hope that Christians around the world are rallying around these misfortuned Haitians. I can't help but feel utterly depressed at the magnitude of what has transpired Tuesday. But my depression comes mostly from the fact that the missionary in me wants to take the next flight with just the clothes on my back to go be another pair of hands and feet to help in any way I can. But I know God's plan for this is greater than my understanding, and He is to be praised for the miracles coming from this tragedy. My desire to see Haiti was fairly strong before the earthquake, but now it's been significantly heightened as the need is more desperate than it's ever been.
Is it a coincidence that if there HAD to be an earthquake it was in the poorest country in the western hemisphere? Now a once seemingly forgotten country (in the world's eyes) has now become the focus and center of attention for the entire earth. May this be the start of the rallying around the island of Hispaniola, and may Haiti never return as it was, but rise up and out of poverty. By the hands of those with the means to help, and I hope that includes myself someday, I am confident in God's promises and His love. I am hopeful...God is so good.
Is it a coincidence that if there HAD to be an earthquake it was in the poorest country in the western hemisphere? Now a once seemingly forgotten country (in the world's eyes) has now become the focus and center of attention for the entire earth. May this be the start of the rallying around the island of Hispaniola, and may Haiti never return as it was, but rise up and out of poverty. By the hands of those with the means to help, and I hope that includes myself someday, I am confident in God's promises and His love. I am hopeful...God is so good.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Response to "Dancing Around in My Head"
I have a friend who recently started blogging, titled “Dancing around in my head.” That feeling of having thoughts whirling around may seem that way. Dancing is an art form of organized rhythmic movements portraying emotion and reflecting beauty. When I think of my kooky (and beautiful) youth leader who can most times be seen randomly breaking into dance during conversation, the title of her blog seems rather appropriate. I can relate to her very much in this way, as I too find myself in those random surges of movement and unequally random surges of thought.
Though I must confess, at times the scene in my head is not quite as elegant as dance. If you were to peer inside, you’d probably see a panorama more akin to a natural disaster. I have a multitude of fears, doubts, questions, and an unrelenting desire to see my future bear all the fruit I want it to…kids, a husband, a great career serving God and ultimately, happiness. I find myself struggling to do the simplest things like remembering my cell phone before I go to work, or writing a paper more than 24 hours before it’s due, and I scare myself into thinking all my silly mistakes will shed a poor light on whether God will grant my deepest, purest desires. Every moment I waste on facebook, the television, and complaining about nonessentials eventually throws me into a frenzy of chaotic stress, and my brain feels like a hurricane just blasted through, and the effects are seen in my downcast, defeated demeanor. And though I ultimately know that God will lead me wherever he’ll have me go, I need not be wasting time being afraid that the future won’t be what I hope for.
I have another friend/mother who has told me “God wouldn’t have given you such a strong desire if it wasn’t something he wanted for you. He wouldn’t want you to suffer your whole life knowing you’ll never have this or that.” Why is it so hard for me to accept that? Why can‘t I just truly let God take the reigns? Maybe I don’t fully understand what the bible says about the future and His plan for the lives of His children. Does he have every day planned? Every month? Does he know that I’ll go to this college, live in this town, and meet this guy who ends up falling madly in love with me (wouldn’t that be great?!)?” Or does he just have an overview of my life? Whatever the answer is, I know more than anything that in the moment I feel a storm coming on, I find myself cemented to my fear, and that fear keeps me paralyzed from doing anything that I’m not one-thousand percent sure is what God wants me to do. For example, last semester I had to write a lot of papers for one class, because it was a writing class. I would sit in front of the computer (no more than a day before it’s due) and stare at the screen. It’s almost like writer’s block, except the “hurricane” is keeping me from laying my fingers on the keyboard. I am so worried that by writing this paper on some random topic, I am further hindering myself and possibly falling away from God’s plan because I feel like I need to have this conviction, this “OK” from God that this activity isn’t wasting my time. I don’t know what to go by, my feelings in the moment seem to be the only thing driving me…and before I know it, I’ve been sitting in front of the computer for an hour and have written nothing to one paragraph if I’m lucky, spending the rest of that time subconsciously distracting myself (e.g. ipod, internet, food…). Then I tend to spiral even further into my disaster, thinking “if I can’t write a meaningless essay that requires minimal brain activity, how can I expect to handle a real class at a university? If I can’t do the smallest thing God trusts me with, how can He trust me with more?”
That is a looming, never ceasing question that is the source of any motivation I have, if I have any at all (in life, not just in schoolwork). I need to know that God is holding me in His hands, that He won’t let me take any dangerous road, and that anything I do, I do with a purpose, and that I somehow bring glory to Him, and that He is pleased even if I am not. I hope that in ALL things the life God intended for me does not in any way, shape, or form become hindered by something that faults me. At the moment the one thing that faults me is my paranoia…my hurricane. Of course I’m calm and happy when I’m with friends, hanging out and doing fun things. But I need to grow up, get on with finding a career that I love, and let life happen for me. It’s time to stop controlling uncontrollable things, and the moment I forget that, I hope and trust in my Heavenly Father to remind me.
The possibilities for my life right now are limitless. I’m so unsure of which direction to go in that I may as well see it as a positive. I can choose whatever I want, and whatever I want is whatever He wants.
So my thoughts are not as sweet and graceful as ballet I’m aware, but maybe that’s something God is trying to work out in me…or maybe I enjoy chaos. “Now FAITH is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen…by faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible” Hebrews 11:1-3
Though I must confess, at times the scene in my head is not quite as elegant as dance. If you were to peer inside, you’d probably see a panorama more akin to a natural disaster. I have a multitude of fears, doubts, questions, and an unrelenting desire to see my future bear all the fruit I want it to…kids, a husband, a great career serving God and ultimately, happiness. I find myself struggling to do the simplest things like remembering my cell phone before I go to work, or writing a paper more than 24 hours before it’s due, and I scare myself into thinking all my silly mistakes will shed a poor light on whether God will grant my deepest, purest desires. Every moment I waste on facebook, the television, and complaining about nonessentials eventually throws me into a frenzy of chaotic stress, and my brain feels like a hurricane just blasted through, and the effects are seen in my downcast, defeated demeanor. And though I ultimately know that God will lead me wherever he’ll have me go, I need not be wasting time being afraid that the future won’t be what I hope for.
I have another friend/mother who has told me “God wouldn’t have given you such a strong desire if it wasn’t something he wanted for you. He wouldn’t want you to suffer your whole life knowing you’ll never have this or that.” Why is it so hard for me to accept that? Why can‘t I just truly let God take the reigns? Maybe I don’t fully understand what the bible says about the future and His plan for the lives of His children. Does he have every day planned? Every month? Does he know that I’ll go to this college, live in this town, and meet this guy who ends up falling madly in love with me (wouldn’t that be great?!)?” Or does he just have an overview of my life? Whatever the answer is, I know more than anything that in the moment I feel a storm coming on, I find myself cemented to my fear, and that fear keeps me paralyzed from doing anything that I’m not one-thousand percent sure is what God wants me to do. For example, last semester I had to write a lot of papers for one class, because it was a writing class. I would sit in front of the computer (no more than a day before it’s due) and stare at the screen. It’s almost like writer’s block, except the “hurricane” is keeping me from laying my fingers on the keyboard. I am so worried that by writing this paper on some random topic, I am further hindering myself and possibly falling away from God’s plan because I feel like I need to have this conviction, this “OK” from God that this activity isn’t wasting my time. I don’t know what to go by, my feelings in the moment seem to be the only thing driving me…and before I know it, I’ve been sitting in front of the computer for an hour and have written nothing to one paragraph if I’m lucky, spending the rest of that time subconsciously distracting myself (e.g. ipod, internet, food…). Then I tend to spiral even further into my disaster, thinking “if I can’t write a meaningless essay that requires minimal brain activity, how can I expect to handle a real class at a university? If I can’t do the smallest thing God trusts me with, how can He trust me with more?”
That is a looming, never ceasing question that is the source of any motivation I have, if I have any at all (in life, not just in schoolwork). I need to know that God is holding me in His hands, that He won’t let me take any dangerous road, and that anything I do, I do with a purpose, and that I somehow bring glory to Him, and that He is pleased even if I am not. I hope that in ALL things the life God intended for me does not in any way, shape, or form become hindered by something that faults me. At the moment the one thing that faults me is my paranoia…my hurricane. Of course I’m calm and happy when I’m with friends, hanging out and doing fun things. But I need to grow up, get on with finding a career that I love, and let life happen for me. It’s time to stop controlling uncontrollable things, and the moment I forget that, I hope and trust in my Heavenly Father to remind me.
The possibilities for my life right now are limitless. I’m so unsure of which direction to go in that I may as well see it as a positive. I can choose whatever I want, and whatever I want is whatever He wants.
So my thoughts are not as sweet and graceful as ballet I’m aware, but maybe that’s something God is trying to work out in me…or maybe I enjoy chaos. “Now FAITH is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen…by faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible” Hebrews 11:1-3
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