I'm Just Numb.

I'm finding it very difficult, for the first time in my life, to articulate how I'm feeling at the moment. I know there's something inside, but if I try... I guess... I'm left feeling alone, not understood, and unloved. The opposite of those feelings is all the fuel I need for a happiness to exist in my heart, so without them I'm just a blob of a longface. Forever staring into nothing, no thoughts, just an air of discontent. That's the state of my mind as I reflect on where I am, where I've been, and what the future looks like in my head. Nothing's going right. Jesus seems like the only one I can turn to (not that he isn't more than sufficient.) I just have to learn to accept that for now, I have literally have no other option than God, yet I still find myself resisting giving in.

Today I considered for the first time getting depression pills. That's when I realized I slipped back into a little of the old me. I don't want to live as that girl anymore...I thought I cut my ties with her four years ago...but every now and then she creeps back up. The girl that's too lazy to open her mouth and speak to God...to literally cry to Him...to beg for His wisdom & love. The girl that can't find the strength to be positive because there are too many bad things happening all at once... the girl that just wants to curl up and numb everything... she has to go.
I need to change. I know I can't see the future right now, but I HAVE to let go and let God take the reigns. I just wish I could stop feeling like crap all the time. I can't bear this weight much longer.
I feel like I'm battling demons that are huge and have names. I know God can get them off my back...if I let Him.

Category 4

I just want to escape reality altogether. Who am I to say I have the right to live in a nice house with food and a shower? I'm disgusted that I think I'm so entitled. Here I am, wasting the last week of my life in the most depressed state I've ever been in because I got kicked out of my house...yet I'm still under a roof. I'm still warm, full, and clean. I think if I spent three days on Batey 50 I would never complain again about how good I have it. It's just hard to comprehend how blessed I am when the blessings are clouded by my negative thinking.

I'm also still confused about a lot of things. Do I have the right to be upset? I think I do, considering my own mother doesn't want me anymore (and not because I did drugs in the house, had sex and got pregnant, but because we have severe miscommunication.) I am in school full time, and really scared and struggling in one of my classes. I am convinced that if I don't get a huge dose of motivation and lots of extra help, I will fail. I know the bible says that I won't add one more minute to my life by worrying, but worrying is overcoming me.

My hurricane is now a category 4.

I don't know what to do with the hand I've been dealt, but I will trust God that I will find the answer before I'm really out on the street. I just want my room back, I want my house back, I want my dog and my things and my shower and the home that I've known for 20 years. I know life isn't fair, but I just want to go home. I want a home.

Ow.

It's almost 12:30 in the morning on the day of the worst national tragedy ever recorded. The events of September 11th, 2001 forever shattered a little piece of me, and I think the country as a whole. One event happened that changed the course of history forever. I remember how terrified and unsafe I felt...how insecure and hopeless the situation looked. But most of all I was confused. Why is this happening? Why did things have to go down this way? Why so many lives taken and affected?

I hate to make the comparison of this terribly tragic day to my own life, but the two days bear many commonalities. Yesterday was the day I was kicked out of my house that's been my home for 20 years. It's the only home I've ever known, and even though I didn't get along with the people that lived there, i.e. my own flesh and blood, I was comfortable there. I could do my own thing and stay out of everyone's way and just do me. My world crashed down like fiery planes when an eruption of arguing ensued on my mother's behalf.

I had literally just gotten home from a long day at school and was looking to have a meal and relax for an hour until work. My mother came out of her dungeon and started asking about car insurance money. I told her I was giving her double the money this week to make up for not paying her last week because I had other financial obligations and I would've only been able to give her $15 which was pointless. I personally don't see the problem with that, seeing that I'm her daughter who hopes that she contains some level of compassion. Clearly I was wrong because she began raising her voice like she does every time we attempt to have a conversation, and this time I wasn't standing back and taking it from her. I asked her why it was such a big deal if I paid her the money for this week and last week in five hours instead of right now. She continued her rant and continued talking over me, and it is one of the biggest pet peeves of mine when someone yells over what I'm trying to get across. It became heated at this point and the last thing I remember was her pulling my hair, ripping my shirt, and grabbing me to try to forcibly extract me from the house.
The most important thing I can say is that I've never felt so sick and depressed and alone in my entire life. I knooowww people care about me, but I don't have the capacity right to now to feel that that's true. I don't have anyone that would "do absolutely anything" for me. Now was a time I needed that, and while I appreciate that I got a place to stay, I just feel so uncared for. I don't know that I can say I have anyone. That's the saddest part. I haven't been able to stop crying for days, but for now I'm just going to escape reality and sleep the heartache away.

Is There One Person I can Call Friend?

Anger has always been a source of intense conflict within myself. There have been many times in the past that it was unwarranted, unnecessary, and blown out of proportion. But today, I find it driving me to question my place in the world, the friends that I have, and the decisions that I'm making. I find myself getting angry less at my family, and more at my church family. That doesn't register or make sense to me, so I need to let it out.

Hello Hurricane.

For months now, I have had far too many instances where something my "friends" said to me deeply hurt my feelings. It occurs on a common basis now, and I'm starting to have crushing doubts about everything. At one point my church, and my friends, where my world.

It's almost a natural instinct of mine to sum up as often as I can what a person is feeling at any given point. So instinctually when it comes to friends, I like to make sure they are emotionally stable. This makes me extra sensitive to their responses when we're having a conversation. So while a friend of mine can have a discussion on the same topic with one of our mutual friends and myself, it's almost guaranteed that I will respond with the same emotion they present me with. So if they say something out of a spirit of anger, I'll respond with twice the anger. If it's love, I'll love them right back.

Today, as is clear from the title, is an angry day.

I've been dealing with the major stress of not knowing why my friends are so rude and uncaring toward me, it's only a matter of time before I snap and do something I'll regret. Sometimes I wonder why I still hang around. I feel so unloved and it hurts worse than any other emotion I've experienced. The worst part is, I have no idea what I could have possibly done to deserve that level of heartbreak.

I know I have a tendency to be a debbie downer at times, but if anyone knows me (which clearly they don't,) the remedy is to let me get out and express whatever's bothering me. I don't purposely act depressed.

I wish there was something I could do to improve the situation, but I am so unsure of why I'm in the place I am now, it's hard to come up with a viable solution. Do I not "fit in" to this crowd? Am I not funny enough? Do I have the wrong agenda? I can't comprehend what I did to go from being best friends with this group of people to someone they're all in some way or another trying to get rid of. I don't get invited to the movies. I don't get random texts saying "Hi, I miss you" and that crazy glue bond we all shared is now broken. The fact that I almost daily get disrespected, not included, ignored and abandoned is driving me straight to a breaking point. It brings me to tears to think that I could lose all of these beautiful people for reasons I could never verbalize. Knowing they'll never read this, here are questions I want to know:

-Why do you speak to me so rudely and disrespectfully?

-Why am I never on your radar and have to find out by unorthodox ways that you all hung out at a certain time without me?

-Do you think about what you say to me before you say it or do you have no regard for my feelings?

-Can you please, please be honest with me?

I would rather go into a machine, travel back in time, and make sure I never met you than to go the rest of my life thinking and believing that you so strongly disliked me. I'm not just feeling this way because I'm paranoid, it's because those are the messages you've been sending me for way too long. I've had enough. I don't want to do this anymore.

Is there one person I can call friend?

Work and God

As the next hurricane hurls toward New England, I got to thinking about the first blog post I'd ever written, where I made many references to the storm in my head. For now it's a partly cloudy day up there, and that's a far improvement from where I was those months ago.

When I'm at work I have a lot of time to be alone and think while I'm folding clothes. Many different thoughts have been swirling around, and I think it's time to dispel some of them.

One thing is work itself. I think about work while I'm at work, Wednesday mornings when the direct deposit comes through, and Fridays when the schedules come out. Tonight I opened that schedule and immediately got me upset. My hours are not good, though they've been great all summer. I need to make a certain amount every week, and if I don't, I don't eat, I can't pay the car insurance or fill the tank.

Some people by now would have found another job and kissed this place goodbye a long time ago...but I haven't yet. I don't think my employers realize how much I like working and that I feel slightly underappreciated when I get the hours that I got this week. I believe that I perform and try harder than most of the other associates, and pathetic as it may seem, I do care about the company and I want to see it grow and know that I was a part of that.

There are basic tasks that all associates are assigned to, but sometimes I get to do different things like visuals or moves or special projects. When I can get more involved in things that the managers trust me to do, I feel like I must be doing something right, they think I'm a good employee, and that can only mean good things for me. I've been working here almost two years and I have heard other people getting "reviewed" and getting raises. No one has ever pulled me aside and asked me anything about how I liked my job, how they thought I was doing, nothing. And they'd be surprised to see that I have a lot to say.

Because I appreciate this job I don't want to look for another one. I want to stay here as long as I need to... I just wish someone would give me the time of day to have a dialogue with me.

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The other set of thoughts in my head rests on God. I've been thinking about how I've been aware of Him all summer, I've prayed (not every night, but occasionally) and I've talked about Him whenever it came up in discussion. But I have been acting so lukewarm and that kind of disgusts me.

It's true what some people say that when we take a break from school we take a break from God. I've gone to church every Sunday like usual, but after the high of being in the Dominican Republic, I sunk into a contentment that left me not feeling the burn anymore.

Just recently as I was thinking about an upcoming youth group event, I reflected on the worship and the closeness I feel with God...at times when I'm there, it's so intense I can't help but close my eyes and just thank God for inventing such an amazing feeling...love.

I've been considering not going to this event because it's geared more towards high school kids, and the messages are in one way or another the same every year, and as is obvious from my previous grumblings about work, I could use the money for other purposes. At one point it was a no-brainer: I'll skip this one. Yet as I reflect on the way that place makes me feel, I think I might need another wake up call as my spiritual discipline has been sleeping this summer.
I hope to follow up the next few posts with nothing but how much I love Jesus and the world should too, because that's why I'm here, and it's ultimately the only thing I care about most.

<3