Ow.

It's almost 12:30 in the morning on the day of the worst national tragedy ever recorded. The events of September 11th, 2001 forever shattered a little piece of me, and I think the country as a whole. One event happened that changed the course of history forever. I remember how terrified and unsafe I felt...how insecure and hopeless the situation looked. But most of all I was confused. Why is this happening? Why did things have to go down this way? Why so many lives taken and affected?

I hate to make the comparison of this terribly tragic day to my own life, but the two days bear many commonalities. Yesterday was the day I was kicked out of my house that's been my home for 20 years. It's the only home I've ever known, and even though I didn't get along with the people that lived there, i.e. my own flesh and blood, I was comfortable there. I could do my own thing and stay out of everyone's way and just do me. My world crashed down like fiery planes when an eruption of arguing ensued on my mother's behalf.

I had literally just gotten home from a long day at school and was looking to have a meal and relax for an hour until work. My mother came out of her dungeon and started asking about car insurance money. I told her I was giving her double the money this week to make up for not paying her last week because I had other financial obligations and I would've only been able to give her $15 which was pointless. I personally don't see the problem with that, seeing that I'm her daughter who hopes that she contains some level of compassion. Clearly I was wrong because she began raising her voice like she does every time we attempt to have a conversation, and this time I wasn't standing back and taking it from her. I asked her why it was such a big deal if I paid her the money for this week and last week in five hours instead of right now. She continued her rant and continued talking over me, and it is one of the biggest pet peeves of mine when someone yells over what I'm trying to get across. It became heated at this point and the last thing I remember was her pulling my hair, ripping my shirt, and grabbing me to try to forcibly extract me from the house.
The most important thing I can say is that I've never felt so sick and depressed and alone in my entire life. I knooowww people care about me, but I don't have the capacity right to now to feel that that's true. I don't have anyone that would "do absolutely anything" for me. Now was a time I needed that, and while I appreciate that I got a place to stay, I just feel so uncared for. I don't know that I can say I have anyone. That's the saddest part. I haven't been able to stop crying for days, but for now I'm just going to escape reality and sleep the heartache away.