When I'm at work I have a lot of time to be alone and think while I'm folding clothes. Many different thoughts have been swirling around, and I think it's time to dispel some of them.
One thing is work itself. I think about work while I'm at work, Wednesday mornings when the direct deposit comes through, and Fridays when the schedules come out. Tonight I opened that schedule and immediately got me upset. My hours are not good, though they've been great all summer. I need to make a certain amount every week, and if I don't, I don't eat, I can't pay the car insurance or fill the tank.
Some people by now would have found another job and kissed this place goodbye a long time ago...but I haven't yet. I don't think my employers realize how much I like working and that I feel slightly underappreciated when I get the hours that I got this week. I believe that I perform and try harder than most of the other associates, and pathetic as it may seem, I do care about the company and I want to see it grow and know that I was a part of that.
There are basic tasks that all associates are assigned to, but sometimes I get to do different things like visuals or moves or special projects. When I can get more involved in things that the managers trust me to do, I feel like I must be doing something right, they think I'm a good employee, and that can only mean good things for me. I've been working here almost two years and I have heard other people getting "reviewed" and getting raises. No one has ever pulled me aside and asked me anything about how I liked my job, how they thought I was doing, nothing. And they'd be surprised to see that I have a lot to say.
Because I appreciate this job I don't want to look for another one. I want to stay here as long as I need to... I just wish someone would give me the time of day to have a dialogue with me.
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The other set of thoughts in my head rests on God. I've been thinking about how I've been aware of Him all summer, I've prayed (not every night, but occasionally) and I've talked about Him whenever it came up in discussion. But I have been acting so lukewarm and that kind of disgusts me.
It's true what some people say that when we take a break from school we take a break from God. I've gone to church every Sunday like usual, but after the high of being in the Dominican Republic, I sunk into a contentment that left me not feeling the burn anymore.
Just recently as I was thinking about an upcoming youth group event, I reflected on the worship and the closeness I feel with God...at times when I'm there, it's so intense I can't help but close my eyes and just thank God for inventing such an amazing feeling...love.
I've been considering not going to this event because it's geared more towards high school kids, and the messages are in one way or another the same every year, and as is obvious from my previous grumblings about work, I could use the money for other purposes. At one point it was a no-brainer: I'll skip this one. Yet as I reflect on the way that place makes me feel, I think I might need another wake up call as my spiritual discipline has been sleeping this summer.
I hope to follow up the next few posts with nothing but how much I love Jesus and the world should too, because that's why I'm here, and it's ultimately the only thing I care about most.
<3
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