Is There One Person I can Call Friend?

Anger has always been a source of intense conflict within myself. There have been many times in the past that it was unwarranted, unnecessary, and blown out of proportion. But today, I find it driving me to question my place in the world, the friends that I have, and the decisions that I'm making. I find myself getting angry less at my family, and more at my church family. That doesn't register or make sense to me, so I need to let it out.

Hello Hurricane.

For months now, I have had far too many instances where something my "friends" said to me deeply hurt my feelings. It occurs on a common basis now, and I'm starting to have crushing doubts about everything. At one point my church, and my friends, where my world.

It's almost a natural instinct of mine to sum up as often as I can what a person is feeling at any given point. So instinctually when it comes to friends, I like to make sure they are emotionally stable. This makes me extra sensitive to their responses when we're having a conversation. So while a friend of mine can have a discussion on the same topic with one of our mutual friends and myself, it's almost guaranteed that I will respond with the same emotion they present me with. So if they say something out of a spirit of anger, I'll respond with twice the anger. If it's love, I'll love them right back.

Today, as is clear from the title, is an angry day.

I've been dealing with the major stress of not knowing why my friends are so rude and uncaring toward me, it's only a matter of time before I snap and do something I'll regret. Sometimes I wonder why I still hang around. I feel so unloved and it hurts worse than any other emotion I've experienced. The worst part is, I have no idea what I could have possibly done to deserve that level of heartbreak.

I know I have a tendency to be a debbie downer at times, but if anyone knows me (which clearly they don't,) the remedy is to let me get out and express whatever's bothering me. I don't purposely act depressed.

I wish there was something I could do to improve the situation, but I am so unsure of why I'm in the place I am now, it's hard to come up with a viable solution. Do I not "fit in" to this crowd? Am I not funny enough? Do I have the wrong agenda? I can't comprehend what I did to go from being best friends with this group of people to someone they're all in some way or another trying to get rid of. I don't get invited to the movies. I don't get random texts saying "Hi, I miss you" and that crazy glue bond we all shared is now broken. The fact that I almost daily get disrespected, not included, ignored and abandoned is driving me straight to a breaking point. It brings me to tears to think that I could lose all of these beautiful people for reasons I could never verbalize. Knowing they'll never read this, here are questions I want to know:

-Why do you speak to me so rudely and disrespectfully?

-Why am I never on your radar and have to find out by unorthodox ways that you all hung out at a certain time without me?

-Do you think about what you say to me before you say it or do you have no regard for my feelings?

-Can you please, please be honest with me?

I would rather go into a machine, travel back in time, and make sure I never met you than to go the rest of my life thinking and believing that you so strongly disliked me. I'm not just feeling this way because I'm paranoid, it's because those are the messages you've been sending me for way too long. I've had enough. I don't want to do this anymore.

Is there one person I can call friend?