I'm finding it very difficult, for the first time in my life, to articulate how I'm feeling at the moment. I know there's something inside, but if I try... I guess... I'm left feeling alone, not understood, and unloved. The opposite of those feelings is all the fuel I need for a happiness to exist in my heart, so without them I'm just a blob of a longface. Forever staring into nothing, no thoughts, just an air of discontent. That's the state of my mind as I reflect on where I am, where I've been, and what the future looks like in my head. Nothing's going right. Jesus seems like the only one I can turn to (not that he isn't more than sufficient.) I just have to learn to accept that for now, I have literally have no other option than God, yet I still find myself resisting giving in.
Today I considered for the first time getting depression pills. That's when I realized I slipped back into a little of the old me. I don't want to live as that girl anymore...I thought I cut my ties with her four years ago...but every now and then she creeps back up. The girl that's too lazy to open her mouth and speak to God...to literally cry to Him...to beg for His wisdom & love. The girl that can't find the strength to be positive because there are too many bad things happening all at once... the girl that just wants to curl up and numb everything... she has to go.
I need to change. I know I can't see the future right now, but I HAVE to let go and let God take the reigns. I just wish I could stop feeling like crap all the time. I can't bear this weight much longer.
I feel like I'm battling demons that are huge and have names. I know God can get them off my back...if I let Him.
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