The Most Unorganized, Messy, Incorrect Piece of Writing I've Ever Produced.

I remember all those years when we were kids and teenagers, we would talk about how we would be Aunts to our kids and when we were old ladies we would still be best friends. I remember our first playdate when we giggled all through Barbie's "wedding" and the tea parties in your basement...the summer pool parties and the trillion sleepovers when we'd stay up all night long.

I remember most...

The time we stayed up until 5am just so we could watch the news to see Scot Haney and how funny he was...and we didn't end up sleeping until 9 that night!

When we stayed out late and layed out blankets to watch a meteor shower..and ended up in one of many deep conversations about God before we ever took Him seriously.

Before the days of texting, we would call each other almost everyday and talk about boys or parents or school for hours. I miss that.

The times when we were first getting to know each other and I taught you that it was okay to swear if you were mad...what a bad influence!

The recitals I came to to watch you dance with the same perfect poise you carried with you home. The way you held up a persona around your parents to appease them, and the day you tore down the wall and started showing your true self. That was a day I was SO proud of you.

The pudding incident, a.k.a our first fight...the mud pies on the side of the house...that McDonald's playset I had (so cool!)

The times I peed myself because you wouldn't stop making me laugh! Even recently!

That time we thought my mom was on something when we were eating those fudgicles...yeah you know the time.

The trip to Hampton Beach. We sat at the shore at night and concluded it was possibly the most beautiful vision.

The countless times we'd sit in my room and just talk about life...usually with tears in our eyes.

Our scarily obsessive Green Day phase...the time where things started to take a turn for the worse. We both started getting depressed, we fed off of eachother's sadness about the state of our lives...but Green Day music helped us see we weren't alone. I had been writing songs for awhile now..and you had started committing your thoughts to paper too. I loved that we shared that.

Sophomore year- the worst year of my life for reasons you know very well about. You were there through it all. We'd both realized that we were getting to the point where it was getting hard to live the way we were, and tried different things and considered others to deal with it all. You were there through every single tear and sob, and I was there for you just the same. We listened to each other so intently and had such amazing conversations to help cope with life... I don't know what I would've done without you. I don't want to know, either.

Summer entering Junior year- your parents shipped you off to Florida and you came back "saved" but only for a short while. You convinced me to come to a baptist church with you. We had another one of our famous conversations...and despite everything, I went with you.

Feeling awkard not knowing anyone but so glad we at least had each other.

ATF- the happiest and saddest cry I've ever felt... kneeling before God... next to you.

Starting our post-high school lives at Middlesex...and that Freshman Seminar class!! PABLO!!

When you got your license and we drove around everywhere and blew all our money!

We have been through so much together that outsiders must look at us and wonder how we haven't killed each other let alone still be holding on by a thread! I wonder too, sometimes.

After all that, things started going sour. Small things here and there started building up, we were both growing into two polar opposite people...which threw me for a loop because we were so close and so perfectly alike for so long...and it made me feel almost every emotion possible.

Since the few fights we've had the most horrific emotions that have stuck with me are loneliness, betrayl, anger, frustration, and confusion. Ever since that incident at our graduation party, I don't think either of us has ever been the same. It ruined everything. The times I felt left out of the group, finding out that you hung out with friends that all things considered I should've been hanging out with too...and how bad that hurt...those things aren't going to go away. I hate the place we are now. I hate hate hate it.

I wish there was something I could do to change it, but that's the problem: change. I can only change myself, I can't change you. And lately, I don't like who you are at all. This girl that never wants to hang out, this girl that is rude and disrespectful and hurtful and irresponsible. I've felt the deepest levels of betrayl because of you and obvious others.

That is why I changed into a sheltered, boxed up version of me that doesn't want to let anyone in anymore. Every time I hear that I wasn't included in another thing that I should've been included in, it feels like a stab to the heart. There's only so much I can take, but looking at all of the memories I just listed...I can't, and I don't want to lose the only friend who's been there with me through absolutely everything. I've come to realize that maybe you've lost that girl that I grew up a little bit, and I have lost a little bit of myself compared to the girl in those memories...and I'm truly sorry for that.

I hope we can get back to that, and leave all this crap behind. I don't want to lose my best friend forever...but I'm scared that I will, and sooner than I'd like.

I love you.

Road Block

While I haven't posted anything in a while, I have been writing. Sometime I just get in a rut and I lose interest in really tackling an issue and seeing it to the end...until there are no more thoughts left. I am very much looking forward to going back to school because I know there it will be forced for me to keep writing, so I'm sure to get my groove back and hopefully adding many more stories to my blog. I suppose you could say that "mess" in my head is leveled to a dull roar.
Perhaps it's those dog days of summer that are leaving me without much to worry about, or I just enjoy not doing anything some days other than getting zapped into the TV, cleaning, or hanging out with friends. Either way, I'm sure I'll be back at it after school begins. Right now my biggest worries are getting health forms situated and getting my textbooks. Once those things are resolved (which I'd better hurry because school starts in one week) then I'll start to feel at peace. Of course the anxiety won't cease for long. As soon as I get my syllabi and first day assignments, it will be a whole new level of anxiety. What college student isn't anxious? I just have to trust that everything is going to work out, that this is my life for the next 3ish years, and that I should love every minute of it. The thing I'm most excited about? My journalism and English classes. The thing I'm least excited about? Math. I'm pretty sure this is the last year that I have to take it and then I'll be done with math forever!! I will be getting much tutoring on that, as since I started school I've always been awful at math. Anyone who enjoys math is a little nutty in my book, but feel free to help me out!
I'm also excited about the whole university experience. I want to see and experience it all. If my classes aren't too difficult, I'm hoping to join the Christian group there and hopefully make a few friends there.
My only other worry is the lack of sleep. I have a very early class on Thursday morning, and I really hope I can stick it out this semester and say that I've learned my lesson in scheduling late in the registration time frame. I will be registering at 12:01am on the day of next year's registration!
Will be back soon with more updates from the typical new england college girl! Let's just hope it's anything but typical.