Welcoming a Hero

Today was an especially new day, in that I was able to take part in the welcoming home of a hero, a member of the national guard, and my closest childhood friend from a year of deployment in Afghanistan. I'm writing about it here because I'm just a little perplexed about the whole situation. I'm just going to diffuse my thoughts no matter how unorganized it seemse to evolve.

We used to be best friends when we were young, him and I, our moms were friends and we lived right next to each other, so naturally we hung out all the time. We played house and took care of wild birds and went swimming and saw fireworks...we did everything together. Those were the good ol' days.

Then the day came when he had to move, and ever since that day we slowly but surely started seeing each other less and less, until eventually it stopped altogether. I forgot about him and moved on with my pathetic life, all without knowing he was a budding football star at his high school, while I was barely getting the courage to show up to class.

Awhile after graduation I friended him on the ever popular Facebook, the "connector of all lost friendships" these days, and found out he was overseas! I was so happy for him that he chose to do something so honorable, and I prayed for him a lot that he would be safe and secure wherever he was. Thankfully he's home safe at this very moment.

It's something I think I'll regret--losing touch with him--because I wonder if my high school experience would've been any different. Having someone like him who was having a good time in high school, happy, and motivated might have had things pan out a lot differently for me during that time. I also know, however, that if I wasn't so...what I was in high school, I may have never met God at the full capacity that I did. So for that reason, I'm not in full regret.


I hope throughout time we'll find our way back to a good, solid friendship...'cause let's be honest, who doesn't want to be "besties" with a soldier??

I'm Just Numb.

I'm finding it very difficult, for the first time in my life, to articulate how I'm feeling at the moment. I know there's something inside, but if I try... I guess... I'm left feeling alone, not understood, and unloved. The opposite of those feelings is all the fuel I need for a happiness to exist in my heart, so without them I'm just a blob of a longface. Forever staring into nothing, no thoughts, just an air of discontent. That's the state of my mind as I reflect on where I am, where I've been, and what the future looks like in my head. Nothing's going right. Jesus seems like the only one I can turn to (not that he isn't more than sufficient.) I just have to learn to accept that for now, I have literally have no other option than God, yet I still find myself resisting giving in.

Today I considered for the first time getting depression pills. That's when I realized I slipped back into a little of the old me. I don't want to live as that girl anymore...I thought I cut my ties with her four years ago...but every now and then she creeps back up. The girl that's too lazy to open her mouth and speak to God...to literally cry to Him...to beg for His wisdom & love. The girl that can't find the strength to be positive because there are too many bad things happening all at once... the girl that just wants to curl up and numb everything... she has to go.
I need to change. I know I can't see the future right now, but I HAVE to let go and let God take the reigns. I just wish I could stop feeling like crap all the time. I can't bear this weight much longer.
I feel like I'm battling demons that are huge and have names. I know God can get them off my back...if I let Him.

Category 4

I just want to escape reality altogether. Who am I to say I have the right to live in a nice house with food and a shower? I'm disgusted that I think I'm so entitled. Here I am, wasting the last week of my life in the most depressed state I've ever been in because I got kicked out of my house...yet I'm still under a roof. I'm still warm, full, and clean. I think if I spent three days on Batey 50 I would never complain again about how good I have it. It's just hard to comprehend how blessed I am when the blessings are clouded by my negative thinking.

I'm also still confused about a lot of things. Do I have the right to be upset? I think I do, considering my own mother doesn't want me anymore (and not because I did drugs in the house, had sex and got pregnant, but because we have severe miscommunication.) I am in school full time, and really scared and struggling in one of my classes. I am convinced that if I don't get a huge dose of motivation and lots of extra help, I will fail. I know the bible says that I won't add one more minute to my life by worrying, but worrying is overcoming me.

My hurricane is now a category 4.

I don't know what to do with the hand I've been dealt, but I will trust God that I will find the answer before I'm really out on the street. I just want my room back, I want my house back, I want my dog and my things and my shower and the home that I've known for 20 years. I know life isn't fair, but I just want to go home. I want a home.

Ow.

It's almost 12:30 in the morning on the day of the worst national tragedy ever recorded. The events of September 11th, 2001 forever shattered a little piece of me, and I think the country as a whole. One event happened that changed the course of history forever. I remember how terrified and unsafe I felt...how insecure and hopeless the situation looked. But most of all I was confused. Why is this happening? Why did things have to go down this way? Why so many lives taken and affected?

I hate to make the comparison of this terribly tragic day to my own life, but the two days bear many commonalities. Yesterday was the day I was kicked out of my house that's been my home for 20 years. It's the only home I've ever known, and even though I didn't get along with the people that lived there, i.e. my own flesh and blood, I was comfortable there. I could do my own thing and stay out of everyone's way and just do me. My world crashed down like fiery planes when an eruption of arguing ensued on my mother's behalf.

I had literally just gotten home from a long day at school and was looking to have a meal and relax for an hour until work. My mother came out of her dungeon and started asking about car insurance money. I told her I was giving her double the money this week to make up for not paying her last week because I had other financial obligations and I would've only been able to give her $15 which was pointless. I personally don't see the problem with that, seeing that I'm her daughter who hopes that she contains some level of compassion. Clearly I was wrong because she began raising her voice like she does every time we attempt to have a conversation, and this time I wasn't standing back and taking it from her. I asked her why it was such a big deal if I paid her the money for this week and last week in five hours instead of right now. She continued her rant and continued talking over me, and it is one of the biggest pet peeves of mine when someone yells over what I'm trying to get across. It became heated at this point and the last thing I remember was her pulling my hair, ripping my shirt, and grabbing me to try to forcibly extract me from the house.
The most important thing I can say is that I've never felt so sick and depressed and alone in my entire life. I knooowww people care about me, but I don't have the capacity right to now to feel that that's true. I don't have anyone that would "do absolutely anything" for me. Now was a time I needed that, and while I appreciate that I got a place to stay, I just feel so uncared for. I don't know that I can say I have anyone. That's the saddest part. I haven't been able to stop crying for days, but for now I'm just going to escape reality and sleep the heartache away.

Is There One Person I can Call Friend?

Anger has always been a source of intense conflict within myself. There have been many times in the past that it was unwarranted, unnecessary, and blown out of proportion. But today, I find it driving me to question my place in the world, the friends that I have, and the decisions that I'm making. I find myself getting angry less at my family, and more at my church family. That doesn't register or make sense to me, so I need to let it out.

Hello Hurricane.

For months now, I have had far too many instances where something my "friends" said to me deeply hurt my feelings. It occurs on a common basis now, and I'm starting to have crushing doubts about everything. At one point my church, and my friends, where my world.

It's almost a natural instinct of mine to sum up as often as I can what a person is feeling at any given point. So instinctually when it comes to friends, I like to make sure they are emotionally stable. This makes me extra sensitive to their responses when we're having a conversation. So while a friend of mine can have a discussion on the same topic with one of our mutual friends and myself, it's almost guaranteed that I will respond with the same emotion they present me with. So if they say something out of a spirit of anger, I'll respond with twice the anger. If it's love, I'll love them right back.

Today, as is clear from the title, is an angry day.

I've been dealing with the major stress of not knowing why my friends are so rude and uncaring toward me, it's only a matter of time before I snap and do something I'll regret. Sometimes I wonder why I still hang around. I feel so unloved and it hurts worse than any other emotion I've experienced. The worst part is, I have no idea what I could have possibly done to deserve that level of heartbreak.

I know I have a tendency to be a debbie downer at times, but if anyone knows me (which clearly they don't,) the remedy is to let me get out and express whatever's bothering me. I don't purposely act depressed.

I wish there was something I could do to improve the situation, but I am so unsure of why I'm in the place I am now, it's hard to come up with a viable solution. Do I not "fit in" to this crowd? Am I not funny enough? Do I have the wrong agenda? I can't comprehend what I did to go from being best friends with this group of people to someone they're all in some way or another trying to get rid of. I don't get invited to the movies. I don't get random texts saying "Hi, I miss you" and that crazy glue bond we all shared is now broken. The fact that I almost daily get disrespected, not included, ignored and abandoned is driving me straight to a breaking point. It brings me to tears to think that I could lose all of these beautiful people for reasons I could never verbalize. Knowing they'll never read this, here are questions I want to know:

-Why do you speak to me so rudely and disrespectfully?

-Why am I never on your radar and have to find out by unorthodox ways that you all hung out at a certain time without me?

-Do you think about what you say to me before you say it or do you have no regard for my feelings?

-Can you please, please be honest with me?

I would rather go into a machine, travel back in time, and make sure I never met you than to go the rest of my life thinking and believing that you so strongly disliked me. I'm not just feeling this way because I'm paranoid, it's because those are the messages you've been sending me for way too long. I've had enough. I don't want to do this anymore.

Is there one person I can call friend?

Work and God

As the next hurricane hurls toward New England, I got to thinking about the first blog post I'd ever written, where I made many references to the storm in my head. For now it's a partly cloudy day up there, and that's a far improvement from where I was those months ago.

When I'm at work I have a lot of time to be alone and think while I'm folding clothes. Many different thoughts have been swirling around, and I think it's time to dispel some of them.

One thing is work itself. I think about work while I'm at work, Wednesday mornings when the direct deposit comes through, and Fridays when the schedules come out. Tonight I opened that schedule and immediately got me upset. My hours are not good, though they've been great all summer. I need to make a certain amount every week, and if I don't, I don't eat, I can't pay the car insurance or fill the tank.

Some people by now would have found another job and kissed this place goodbye a long time ago...but I haven't yet. I don't think my employers realize how much I like working and that I feel slightly underappreciated when I get the hours that I got this week. I believe that I perform and try harder than most of the other associates, and pathetic as it may seem, I do care about the company and I want to see it grow and know that I was a part of that.

There are basic tasks that all associates are assigned to, but sometimes I get to do different things like visuals or moves or special projects. When I can get more involved in things that the managers trust me to do, I feel like I must be doing something right, they think I'm a good employee, and that can only mean good things for me. I've been working here almost two years and I have heard other people getting "reviewed" and getting raises. No one has ever pulled me aside and asked me anything about how I liked my job, how they thought I was doing, nothing. And they'd be surprised to see that I have a lot to say.

Because I appreciate this job I don't want to look for another one. I want to stay here as long as I need to... I just wish someone would give me the time of day to have a dialogue with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The other set of thoughts in my head rests on God. I've been thinking about how I've been aware of Him all summer, I've prayed (not every night, but occasionally) and I've talked about Him whenever it came up in discussion. But I have been acting so lukewarm and that kind of disgusts me.

It's true what some people say that when we take a break from school we take a break from God. I've gone to church every Sunday like usual, but after the high of being in the Dominican Republic, I sunk into a contentment that left me not feeling the burn anymore.

Just recently as I was thinking about an upcoming youth group event, I reflected on the worship and the closeness I feel with God...at times when I'm there, it's so intense I can't help but close my eyes and just thank God for inventing such an amazing feeling...love.

I've been considering not going to this event because it's geared more towards high school kids, and the messages are in one way or another the same every year, and as is obvious from my previous grumblings about work, I could use the money for other purposes. At one point it was a no-brainer: I'll skip this one. Yet as I reflect on the way that place makes me feel, I think I might need another wake up call as my spiritual discipline has been sleeping this summer.
I hope to follow up the next few posts with nothing but how much I love Jesus and the world should too, because that's why I'm here, and it's ultimately the only thing I care about most.

<3

The Most Unorganized, Messy, Incorrect Piece of Writing I've Ever Produced.

I remember all those years when we were kids and teenagers, we would talk about how we would be Aunts to our kids and when we were old ladies we would still be best friends. I remember our first playdate when we giggled all through Barbie's "wedding" and the tea parties in your basement...the summer pool parties and the trillion sleepovers when we'd stay up all night long.

I remember most...

The time we stayed up until 5am just so we could watch the news to see Scot Haney and how funny he was...and we didn't end up sleeping until 9 that night!

When we stayed out late and layed out blankets to watch a meteor shower..and ended up in one of many deep conversations about God before we ever took Him seriously.

Before the days of texting, we would call each other almost everyday and talk about boys or parents or school for hours. I miss that.

The times when we were first getting to know each other and I taught you that it was okay to swear if you were mad...what a bad influence!

The recitals I came to to watch you dance with the same perfect poise you carried with you home. The way you held up a persona around your parents to appease them, and the day you tore down the wall and started showing your true self. That was a day I was SO proud of you.

The pudding incident, a.k.a our first fight...the mud pies on the side of the house...that McDonald's playset I had (so cool!)

The times I peed myself because you wouldn't stop making me laugh! Even recently!

That time we thought my mom was on something when we were eating those fudgicles...yeah you know the time.

The trip to Hampton Beach. We sat at the shore at night and concluded it was possibly the most beautiful vision.

The countless times we'd sit in my room and just talk about life...usually with tears in our eyes.

Our scarily obsessive Green Day phase...the time where things started to take a turn for the worse. We both started getting depressed, we fed off of eachother's sadness about the state of our lives...but Green Day music helped us see we weren't alone. I had been writing songs for awhile now..and you had started committing your thoughts to paper too. I loved that we shared that.

Sophomore year- the worst year of my life for reasons you know very well about. You were there through it all. We'd both realized that we were getting to the point where it was getting hard to live the way we were, and tried different things and considered others to deal with it all. You were there through every single tear and sob, and I was there for you just the same. We listened to each other so intently and had such amazing conversations to help cope with life... I don't know what I would've done without you. I don't want to know, either.

Summer entering Junior year- your parents shipped you off to Florida and you came back "saved" but only for a short while. You convinced me to come to a baptist church with you. We had another one of our famous conversations...and despite everything, I went with you.

Feeling awkard not knowing anyone but so glad we at least had each other.

ATF- the happiest and saddest cry I've ever felt... kneeling before God... next to you.

Starting our post-high school lives at Middlesex...and that Freshman Seminar class!! PABLO!!

When you got your license and we drove around everywhere and blew all our money!

We have been through so much together that outsiders must look at us and wonder how we haven't killed each other let alone still be holding on by a thread! I wonder too, sometimes.

After all that, things started going sour. Small things here and there started building up, we were both growing into two polar opposite people...which threw me for a loop because we were so close and so perfectly alike for so long...and it made me feel almost every emotion possible.

Since the few fights we've had the most horrific emotions that have stuck with me are loneliness, betrayl, anger, frustration, and confusion. Ever since that incident at our graduation party, I don't think either of us has ever been the same. It ruined everything. The times I felt left out of the group, finding out that you hung out with friends that all things considered I should've been hanging out with too...and how bad that hurt...those things aren't going to go away. I hate the place we are now. I hate hate hate it.

I wish there was something I could do to change it, but that's the problem: change. I can only change myself, I can't change you. And lately, I don't like who you are at all. This girl that never wants to hang out, this girl that is rude and disrespectful and hurtful and irresponsible. I've felt the deepest levels of betrayl because of you and obvious others.

That is why I changed into a sheltered, boxed up version of me that doesn't want to let anyone in anymore. Every time I hear that I wasn't included in another thing that I should've been included in, it feels like a stab to the heart. There's only so much I can take, but looking at all of the memories I just listed...I can't, and I don't want to lose the only friend who's been there with me through absolutely everything. I've come to realize that maybe you've lost that girl that I grew up a little bit, and I have lost a little bit of myself compared to the girl in those memories...and I'm truly sorry for that.

I hope we can get back to that, and leave all this crap behind. I don't want to lose my best friend forever...but I'm scared that I will, and sooner than I'd like.

I love you.

Road Block

While I haven't posted anything in a while, I have been writing. Sometime I just get in a rut and I lose interest in really tackling an issue and seeing it to the end...until there are no more thoughts left. I am very much looking forward to going back to school because I know there it will be forced for me to keep writing, so I'm sure to get my groove back and hopefully adding many more stories to my blog. I suppose you could say that "mess" in my head is leveled to a dull roar.
Perhaps it's those dog days of summer that are leaving me without much to worry about, or I just enjoy not doing anything some days other than getting zapped into the TV, cleaning, or hanging out with friends. Either way, I'm sure I'll be back at it after school begins. Right now my biggest worries are getting health forms situated and getting my textbooks. Once those things are resolved (which I'd better hurry because school starts in one week) then I'll start to feel at peace. Of course the anxiety won't cease for long. As soon as I get my syllabi and first day assignments, it will be a whole new level of anxiety. What college student isn't anxious? I just have to trust that everything is going to work out, that this is my life for the next 3ish years, and that I should love every minute of it. The thing I'm most excited about? My journalism and English classes. The thing I'm least excited about? Math. I'm pretty sure this is the last year that I have to take it and then I'll be done with math forever!! I will be getting much tutoring on that, as since I started school I've always been awful at math. Anyone who enjoys math is a little nutty in my book, but feel free to help me out!
I'm also excited about the whole university experience. I want to see and experience it all. If my classes aren't too difficult, I'm hoping to join the Christian group there and hopefully make a few friends there.
My only other worry is the lack of sleep. I have a very early class on Thursday morning, and I really hope I can stick it out this semester and say that I've learned my lesson in scheduling late in the registration time frame. I will be registering at 12:01am on the day of next year's registration!
Will be back soon with more updates from the typical new england college girl! Let's just hope it's anything but typical.

Heaven on Earth

This trip marks the fourth time I've entered the gates of what I like to call Heaven on Earth. Those who've embarked on this journey before can attest to this title. It's hard to summarize a week like this into a paragraph or two, so I'll pick just one experience, and please know that you'd have to come on the trip to think that what I'm about to share is anything like Heaven.

I am on Team B (a construction team) and this year's project was building lattrines for the residents of Batey 50. It was my first time working here, and I've heard many things about how it's the poorest of all the bateyes in the country, but it didn't hit me that that may be true until I made the walk from the front of the beautiful church back through to the worksite. Every step I took further into the batey was a step that began to change me (God likes to do that to me a lot). The fact that we were helping to build lattrines means these people don't have a place to go to the bathroom other than...wherever they can. There are also a lot of animals there that also need to take care of business, so basically there was an unmistakably overwhelming odor in the air over the humidity of the Dominican heat. The amount of garbage and debris floating around was also quite shocking. And the homes the people lived in? Nothing more than rusted tin sheets-- some with holes in them--and if the family was blessed, a cement floor.

As I was working I started to feel very uncomfortable and caught off guard. A small part of me wanted to get out of there. I was saying to myself "how could I have been brought here?" It almost reduced me to tears to realize that this was life for these people. I looked over and saw a group of men playing a table game and another man inside his house peering out to see the work we were doing. An older man was standing beside our cement mixer laughing as I joked around with my good friend. A woman, Maria, stopped by and asked about who we were, the place we came from, and spoke to me in a way that instantly bonded us. I played with the kids now and then, and as they melted my heart with their smiles and laughter so did my first impressions of Batey 50 begin to evaporate. I forgot that I was in the poorest place I've ever been in in my life, and quickly realized that my sole purpose for the week was to use all my power for their good.
The heart and soul of Batey 50 lies within the hearts and souls of those who inhabit it.
They made me feel comfortable again. They dissipated all thoughts of discomfort and insecurity. I wouldn't have traded that for anything the world could offer. This was home for the next week. Now that I've been back for a while, it still feels like home, and though the trash and the smell and the poverty still exists, these people are richer than I in faith.

"Listen, beloved brethren: Has God not chosen the poor of this world to be rich in faith and heirs of the kingdom which He promise to those who love Him?" (James 2:5)

I thought early in the week how in America, we are so quick to blame circumstance or God for our misfortunes. If the smallest thing goes wrong we tend to have a "woe is me" attitude...and in some parts of the U.S. people respond to those feelings with violence. I thought how easy it could be for the poor to do exactly the same and turn to violence or ungodly means of getting their needs met. But the community in 50 were far happier than any group of people I've ever worked with in the D.R. The kids were so well behaved and just wanted to help, and the families were so well connected and had a remarkable faith, just like James said. That little three minute conversation in my head made me realize that the meek really do inherit the earth...that the poor really are rich...that God is so much bigger than we can imagine.

God pushed me far out of my "comfort zone" and pushed me to the edge. He had a greater good in mind looking back. If you ever feel like God has put you somewhere where you feel a little unsure and insecure, just remember that he does everything for our good...and through His eyes I was able to see Heaven on Earth.


"Oh, taste and see that the LORD is good, blessed is the man who
trusts in Him!" (Psalm 34:8)

Phobias

By this time in my life I've heard over thousands of different phobias. Some people are afraid of spiders, some snakes, others...cookies? Yes, it's true, there's a scientifically named phobia for just about anything that makes a person freak. A phobia can be defined as an intense, irrational fear of an object or situation (yes I did pay attention in psychology!) Only until recently did I realize I fall victim to one specific phobia- Apiphobia (yes, I googled it just now.) It's a seriously ridiculous fear of bees.
I have never understood why people have certian phobias. I've seen many tv shows that display erratic, nonsensical freak outs from guests who get exposed to the thing that makes them so afraid. I always thought it was silly for them to react that way, or that they were just putting on a show for the camera.
As I research phobias more I'm realizing that most phobias are not a joke, I certainly know my fear of bees is no joke. I'm sitting at my laptop now trying to distract myself from the little creature sleazin' around my ceiling. Yes, I am up at 1am when I need to be sleeping because I will not let myself sleep in the same room as this horrible wasp. Even seeing the words makes me cringe. Every five to ten seconds I need to look behind me where I saw it last to see if it returned. I have a spindle from my porch and a bottle of bleach ready to attack. Every little sensation I feel on my skin has me shuttering in fear, every piece of fiber under my foot sets my heart racing thinking it's the terror. I truly hate feeling like this over a stupid bee, but I suppose the most logical reasoning I have is that I think it's wrong that I am terrified to be in my own room, MY room. I'm very territorial about my space and believe that when I want to be alone, I REALLY want to be completely alone. Knowing there's something in the room that could hurt me during sleep just scares the living daylights out of me. I don't know how I'm going to cope with this every summer for the rest of my life...I'm just praying that along with the house repairs a new window can be installed in my room, because I've truly had more than enough of being terrified.

I truly empathize with anyone who has a phobia. I know it isn't a joke, and I'm starting to think I need to take care of the problem more theraputically.

Summer Blahs

So here it is. June 20th, 2010. It's day two of my "summer blah" which means the symptoms are irratibility, slight headache, and intense lack of patience. Yes, summer blah is a valid disease, in my world, and these days it seems as though I'm the only victim.

Most people look forward to summer all year long...they trudge through school work and business and extra calories along with everything else the winter months offer, so that by June they're free to enjoy the laziness and excitement of summer! While I'll admit I do get very excited about summer, a huge part of me dreads it. All my life I've never once had a summer where most of the days were filled with exciting things and fun adventures. I can't remember ever going on a real vacation with the family, and that will never happen, nor can I remember going back to school and being able to say I had an eventful summer.

Now I know I may be getting a little overdramatic, but this is just how I feel. It's two-ish months of sitting around my house watching the clock change numbers. It's watching so many movies in one day I forget what plots belonged to which movie (which is a problem!) These days especially I have acquired an almost nonexistant tolerance of boredom. If I have to stay locked up in the house for more than two days without doing anything, I can get the most extreme levels of the symptoms mentioned above. It's the closest thing to pure torture I've ever experienced.
I know some may look at this and laugh at how dramatic I'm being, but honestly who wouldn't go crazy being locked up by themselves with nothing fun or exciting to do...for consecutive summers in a row? And NO, doing dishes or washing the floor are not good examples of things to do because I already do those all the time and they are worse than being stagnant in my chair in my room.

I'm just praying a lot that God opens up opportunities for me to have a productive and fun summer this time around. I don't want it to be like all the others... this is a time for hitting the beach, hanging with friends every day, going to amusement parks and creating beautiful memories with the ones whom we are closest to. I really don't want to miss any of that this summer. So I hope my close friends can help me get rid of that nasty "Summer Blah" disease!

:)

The "Love" Cycle

As I was walking to my doom...err my math final today, the most random, but sort of life-changing thoughts came to mind. In order to experience the fullness of God, there are three (if not more, I do have a small mind) things that have to cohere.

1. Praise & Worship
2. Bible Study
3. Prayer

Praise and Worship is the intimate time a child spends with his/her Heavenly Father!

Praise is giving God the credit for all the blessings in your life, the health, the friends, and the family. Praise is also thanking God for life's trials because, according to James, trials produce endurance, and make us stronger. Amen!

Worship is the outpouring of our praise and the overflowing of our hearts to our King. It's lifting your hands to the Heavens and singing your love and living the lyrics. It's also, as I discussed earlier, our actions, attitudes, and demeanors. It's our decision to be loving to a relative instead of arguing. It's handing money to a stranger, and trusting that God will add blessing to it.
Putting these two together equals probably the greatest joy in my life! I thank God for the ability to praise Him and bow before Him. Music is one of my deepest passions in life, and it's the ultimate way to express my love and affection for all He's done for me.



I am one of those people you see at concerts geeking out to the music and getting completely lost in it. It's like I temporarily leave Earth and just reside in the presence of my Heavenly Daddy. If there's anything I like about myself it's that I'm not afraid to physically and outwardly shout and dance for God! I sound like a total freak, but it doesn't bother me :)



The next step in seeing the amazingness of Jesus is bible study. Reading God's word is essential because everything that we as Christians believe in can be found there. Everything we stand for, everything we hope for, and every piece of evidence to prove God's faithfulness is there in black & white (depending on your bible ;] ). I know that every time I crack open my dusty old bible, I find new inspiration and meaning and joy and understanding and wisdom...there's no other book out there that changes my life every time I read it.
This is a very important facet of my relationship with God because worship and bible study go hand in hand. Many many many songs out there (the best ones at least) quote scripture at least once if not the entire song. How much more meaning and praise can we offer when we know the true meaning of the song? It lifts the words off the pages and becomes a God-breathed piece of offering by those who sing and believe the words.

The last part that I've come to realize is extremely important in reaching God's fullness is prayer! How exciting to know that any time, any day, and any place we can speak one on one to the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE?!?!! Not only is He the Creator, he is our loving Heavenly Father who loves us so much He gave his only son to die so we could be with Him forever in Heaven! We should be thrilled about praying to God every night (or whenever you like to pray) and thank Him for how smart, wise, and loving He is to provide us this way of communicating to Him our praises, concerns, and confessions!

There are some nights when I get into such a deep prayer that I forget where I am and my earthy life, and just rest in God and talk to him. It's like catching up with an old friend sort of, but this is so much better. I sometimes get reduced to tears of joy and thanksgiving. If I didn't know His word and I had the inability to praise and worship him in the midst of my prayertime, I'm afraid my prayers would be void of emotion. That is why it is so important to keep all three of these distinctions in mind at all times while living your life.

God is so good. He is worthy of all of the praise, wisdom, and prayers we can offer Him. If we can remember the "love cycle" (corny, but now you'll remember) our relationships with God will be fruitful and awesome!!

God Bless <3 <3

ramblings about my faith.

I'm feeling like I love Jesus. A lot. All the cares of my life right now are idling in the back of my mind and I'm awed in the presence of God. I learned in a bible study a while ago that worship isn't just lifting our hands to the heavens or singing praise until our lungs give out. Romans 12:1 says: Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God--this is your spiritual act of worship."

Breath. God not only grants us permission to breathe, but he's the one who gave us breath! It is my joy to stand on God's earth and breathe God's air and live a life for my Father! You see, it's ALL about God. Everything on this earth, everything that takes breath belongs to him and should praise Him! So why is that not happening?! Has the world been so polluted by culture and false prosperity that in a matter of 2,000 years God is reduced to an option? God should never be an option, he is the only one worthy of spending our time on. If only there was some way I could stand on a podium high above the skyscrapers and news studios and satellites, and just rip them down like Jesus did when he went into the temple, then maybe we would get a clearer sense of how meaningless our lives are when we no longer have access to the things we've filled up our lives with. I say this in love, not to put anyone down or discredit their lives of meaning if they aren't in agreeance with me. I'm speaking to the people I see texting until their thumbs fall off and those who wake up and spend their entire day wrapped up in all things MEDIA. Now, media does not necessarily bear a negative connotation, it truly is revolutionary. When it becomes a problem is when it gets in the way of real, face to face interaction and distracts from holier things.

For example, I must confess that I like to watch television. I am very pleased with my dvr, and would be very bored if I didn't have it. I make a choice every time I sit in front of the t.v. to continue to watch "my shows" as opposed to doing something that propels me forward in life, like signing up for classes or looking for a new job, etc. A lot of times I choose the t.v. The point I'm trying to make is that even as an absolute adorer of Jesus Christ, it's easy in this world and in this flesh to get distracted by the meaningless things in life like television, internet, iPhones and what not.
What if we could live in a world where we could walk up to strangers and talk about the book of Hebrews? What if instead of knowing the latest real time twitter updates we knew the last bible verse our friend just memorized? Why not trade in the facebook account for an accountability partner? Could we ever just casually talk about the healings Jesus performed? Maybe I'm dreaming too much, but that sounds like a perfect world. I wonder if that's what Heaven will be like.

Sometimes it takes a little of feeling distant from God to realize that I am the one who's been pulling away and not focusing on Him. There is nothing this world can offer that God can't abundantly exceed. He's all I'll ever need.

What's stopping you from giving God EVERYTHING?

I Need to Talk About my Near-Death Experience.

I realize I'm not that great at blogging, I just like to write down my enormous thoughts. Today I was driving home from school and the snow had started to thicken to a slushy mixture. I was going about 20mph when on a clear road I would be doing 45-50.When I realized 20mph wasn't slow enough it was too late. I ever so slowly laid on the brake and felt the back of the car begin to swerve a little, which had happened earlier in my commute, so I thought this was normal--until I kept going in a circle to the right. As I recall, all of my thoughts left me and the only thing I was concentrated on is BRAKE. I was hoping the car would point me back homeward, but as I'm continuing to pump the brake I realize I'm about to spin around again. Except this time there's a tree in my way. I continued to pump the brake and move the wheels in the opposite direction and just held my eyes shut. I felt the car stop and opened my eyes. I looked to my left and adjacent to my head about an inch from my window is a branch and a small tree (but big enough to do some damage). I stared before me into the brush for about five seconds as my brain processed what had happened--then I just burst into tears and screamed for two completely paradoxical reasons. One, there are so many other things that could have happened to kill me just now, and I almost just cost my parents hundreds of dollars in car repairs. Not to mention, i had this fear that the airbag would've gone off, or i would've hit the tree, or gone further down the embankment, or flipped over, or ran into another vehicle--and the second reason I was uncontrollably sobbing was because NONE of that happened. And I had this feeling that it SHOULD'VE happened, but I was overcome with this conviction that God stopped the car a millisecond before it was too late. The way I felt the car moving, there was nooo way I was going to avoid that tree. So through my sobbing I just thanked God that none of that happened. After I cried/prayed for about five minutes, I finally was able to control my emotions and calm down enough to call my mom (which can I say I've never felt at such a loss of control, both over the car and my emotions..nothing I did could stop me from hitting the tree OR stop me from crying, but God was with me.)I then saw a fellow MxCC student stop to make sure I was okay, which was so nice of her. Then a tow truck driver came to pull me out. I kept traveling down 68 still wet with tears, going 3 mph all the way to the movies, where I pulled over and had my parents take me home.
I know spin outs occur all too often, but it doesn't make them any less scary. I really understand now how quickly life can be snatched, and also how quick the hand of God is to keep his beloved here just a little longer ;). I think the only residual effect of this day is a positive one--live like there's no tomorrow.

Drive carefully or not at all if it's snowing out people!

Idle-Idle-Idle blah.

Great title right? It's the culmination of how I feel when I'm idle. BLAH. I find myself trapped in my own boredom sometimes, and I'm not good at finding things to do other than clean (and you know I've had some down time if the house is sparkling). My hatred of idle time began when I made a poor decision to take a semester off from school. All my friends were moving on with their lives while I sat around my house watching tv. I had waaaay too much time to think and worry. For the first few weeks I was enjoying having absolutely no responsibilites, but after a while I started realizing that I need to start moving forward with my life. The main reason I took a semester off was to hopefully use that time to find a nice job, get my license and start saving. Only in a perfect world would that happen. I unfortunately needed to depend on my parents for some help with the driving, but they didn't really seem to care about it (though my mom ALWAYS complained about driving me anywhere). And I don't even know what excuse to give them, so I'll just leave at the time that was to be used for those purposes ended up in me walking around in circles in my kitchen. The only thing I could do in my house to feel productive was to clean. Every time I would be itching to do something, I would clean. Even sitting here typing this I feel idle. I just hate feeling idle, that's the bottom line and the point of my story. I am cemented here in this house, immobile, alone, and it's enough to make a person go absolutely nuts. Now it's clear to those who know me how much I look forward to Sundays, because I can count on having something to do then.
The paradox of my situation is this: I was SO excited to start school so I could start excercising my brain again, because trust me it felt like jello for five months. My first semester was great, I believe I worked to the best of my ability, besides algebra. Then summer came and I had an alright summer, typical. Went to the DR, hung around. Then next semester began and for some reason I HATED it. I hated doing the work and loathed the time I had to put in studying. I kept asking myself "why can't I do this simple thing for this simple class, I know it's not difficult, I'm just being lazy." Toward the end of the semester I realized it was because I had been struggling for years to find a direction in life. I had been begging God for answers and I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere with Him. It's on my prayerlist every night since at least 2007 (i keep a notebook) and it's something I'm still fighting through. I feel like I'm crawling in complete blackness... If I thought I was paranoid about the future before, I know it was only the beginning because here I am in my third semester of college (which is supposed to be my fourth) and I know there's nothing left for me at the college I'm in. There aren't any other classes besides algebra that would be of any use to me. I'm done. I'm at the end of this road and I have no clue where to go or what to do next. My mind is always in "what's next" mode and I can't just live in the moment because I always need to know there's a path under me before I put my left foot in front of the right. The sad thing is I know the answer to all of this is to have faith that God will direct my path, but I'm struggling very much with 100% believing it. I do trust God, but maybe not enough, and that truth kills me.

On Haiti...

Last night was a great prayertime for Haiti. It is my hope that Christians around the world are rallying around these misfortuned Haitians. I can't help but feel utterly depressed at the magnitude of what has transpired Tuesday. But my depression comes mostly from the fact that the missionary in me wants to take the next flight with just the clothes on my back to go be another pair of hands and feet to help in any way I can. But I know God's plan for this is greater than my understanding, and He is to be praised for the miracles coming from this tragedy. My desire to see Haiti was fairly strong before the earthquake, but now it's been significantly heightened as the need is more desperate than it's ever been.
Is it a coincidence that if there HAD to be an earthquake it was in the poorest country in the western hemisphere? Now a once seemingly forgotten country (in the world's eyes) has now become the focus and center of attention for the entire earth. May this be the start of the rallying around the island of Hispaniola, and may Haiti never return as it was, but rise up and out of poverty. By the hands of those with the means to help, and I hope that includes myself someday, I am confident in God's promises and His love. I am hopeful...God is so good.

Response to "Dancing Around in My Head"

I have a friend who recently started blogging, titled “Dancing around in my head.” That feeling of having thoughts whirling around may seem that way. Dancing is an art form of organized rhythmic movements portraying emotion and reflecting beauty. When I think of my kooky (and beautiful) youth leader who can most times be seen randomly breaking into dance during conversation, the title of her blog seems rather appropriate. I can relate to her very much in this way, as I too find myself in those random surges of movement and unequally random surges of thought.
Though I must confess, at times the scene in my head is not quite as elegant as dance. If you were to peer inside, you’d probably see a panorama more akin to a natural disaster. I have a multitude of fears, doubts, questions, and an unrelenting desire to see my future bear all the fruit I want it to…kids, a husband, a great career serving God and ultimately, happiness. I find myself struggling to do the simplest things like remembering my cell phone before I go to work, or writing a paper more than 24 hours before it’s due, and I scare myself into thinking all my silly mistakes will shed a poor light on whether God will grant my deepest, purest desires. Every moment I waste on facebook, the television, and complaining about nonessentials eventually throws me into a frenzy of chaotic stress, and my brain feels like a hurricane just blasted through, and the effects are seen in my downcast, defeated demeanor. And though I ultimately know that God will lead me wherever he’ll have me go, I need not be wasting time being afraid that the future won’t be what I hope for.
I have another friend/mother who has told me “God wouldn’t have given you such a strong desire if it wasn’t something he wanted for you. He wouldn’t want you to suffer your whole life knowing you’ll never have this or that.” Why is it so hard for me to accept that? Why can‘t I just truly let God take the reigns? Maybe I don’t fully understand what the bible says about the future and His plan for the lives of His children. Does he have every day planned? Every month? Does he know that I’ll go to this college, live in this town, and meet this guy who ends up falling madly in love with me (wouldn’t that be great?!)?” Or does he just have an overview of my life? Whatever the answer is, I know more than anything that in the moment I feel a storm coming on, I find myself cemented to my fear, and that fear keeps me paralyzed from doing anything that I’m not one-thousand percent sure is what God wants me to do. For example, last semester I had to write a lot of papers for one class, because it was a writing class. I would sit in front of the computer (no more than a day before it’s due) and stare at the screen. It’s almost like writer’s block, except the “hurricane” is keeping me from laying my fingers on the keyboard. I am so worried that by writing this paper on some random topic, I am further hindering myself and possibly falling away from God’s plan because I feel like I need to have this conviction, this “OK” from God that this activity isn’t wasting my time. I don’t know what to go by, my feelings in the moment seem to be the only thing driving me…and before I know it, I’ve been sitting in front of the computer for an hour and have written nothing to one paragraph if I’m lucky, spending the rest of that time subconsciously distracting myself (e.g. ipod, internet, food…). Then I tend to spiral even further into my disaster, thinking “if I can’t write a meaningless essay that requires minimal brain activity, how can I expect to handle a real class at a university? If I can’t do the smallest thing God trusts me with, how can He trust me with more?”
That is a looming, never ceasing question that is the source of any motivation I have, if I have any at all (in life, not just in schoolwork). I need to know that God is holding me in His hands, that He won’t let me take any dangerous road, and that anything I do, I do with a purpose, and that I somehow bring glory to Him, and that He is pleased even if I am not. I hope that in ALL things the life God intended for me does not in any way, shape, or form become hindered by something that faults me. At the moment the one thing that faults me is my paranoia…my hurricane. Of course I’m calm and happy when I’m with friends, hanging out and doing fun things. But I need to grow up, get on with finding a career that I love, and let life happen for me. It’s time to stop controlling uncontrollable things, and the moment I forget that, I hope and trust in my Heavenly Father to remind me.
The possibilities for my life right now are limitless. I’m so unsure of which direction to go in that I may as well see it as a positive. I can choose whatever I want, and whatever I want is whatever He wants.
So my thoughts are not as sweet and graceful as ballet I’m aware, but maybe that’s something God is trying to work out in me…or maybe I enjoy chaos. “Now FAITH is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen…by faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible” Hebrews 11:1-3