Great title right? It's the culmination of how I feel when I'm idle. BLAH. I find myself trapped in my own boredom sometimes, and I'm not good at finding things to do other than clean (and you know I've had some down time if the house is sparkling). My hatred of idle time began when I made a poor decision to take a semester off from school. All my friends were moving on with their lives while I sat around my house watching tv. I had waaaay too much time to think and worry. For the first few weeks I was enjoying having absolutely no responsibilites, but after a while I started realizing that I need to start moving forward with my life. The main reason I took a semester off was to hopefully use that time to find a nice job, get my license and start saving. Only in a perfect world would that happen. I unfortunately needed to depend on my parents for some help with the driving, but they didn't really seem to care about it (though my mom ALWAYS complained about driving me anywhere). And I don't even know what excuse to give them, so I'll just leave at the time that was to be used for those purposes ended up in me walking around in circles in my kitchen. The only thing I could do in my house to feel productive was to clean. Every time I would be itching to do something, I would clean. Even sitting here typing this I feel idle. I just hate feeling idle, that's the bottom line and the point of my story. I am cemented here in this house, immobile, alone, and it's enough to make a person go absolutely nuts. Now it's clear to those who know me how much I look forward to Sundays, because I can count on having something to do then.
The paradox of my situation is this: I was SO excited to start school so I could start excercising my brain again, because trust me it felt like jello for five months. My first semester was great, I believe I worked to the best of my ability, besides algebra. Then summer came and I had an alright summer, typical. Went to the DR, hung around. Then next semester began and for some reason I HATED it. I hated doing the work and loathed the time I had to put in studying. I kept asking myself "why can't I do this simple thing for this simple class, I know it's not difficult, I'm just being lazy." Toward the end of the semester I realized it was because I had been struggling for years to find a direction in life. I had been begging God for answers and I felt like I wasn't getting anywhere with Him. It's on my prayerlist every night since at least 2007 (i keep a notebook) and it's something I'm still fighting through. I feel like I'm crawling in complete blackness... If I thought I was paranoid about the future before, I know it was only the beginning because here I am in my third semester of college (which is supposed to be my fourth) and I know there's nothing left for me at the college I'm in. There aren't any other classes besides algebra that would be of any use to me. I'm done. I'm at the end of this road and I have no clue where to go or what to do next. My mind is always in "what's next" mode and I can't just live in the moment because I always need to know there's a path under me before I put my left foot in front of the right. The sad thing is I know the answer to all of this is to have faith that God will direct my path, but I'm struggling very much with 100% believing it. I do trust God, but maybe not enough, and that truth kills me.
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